The twenty-four carat gold bitcoin medallion that your "friend" bought. Courtesy Pixabay

How to take advantage of your “friend” from high school that has over 250 bitcoins

What’s hotter than bitcoin right now? Other people’s bitcoin.

Bitcoin. You’ve probably heard this word recently. There’s a lot of hearsay on the nature of the aged cryptocurrency. “What the hell’s a cryptocurrency?” “How can something made from nothing be worth something?” “Dude, I bought five fake IDs on the darkweb with MY bitcoin.”
Whether you are a hardened veteran or newly shod greenhorn in the cryptocurrency world, the golden era (or bubble as many speculate) is now. Bitcoin recently hit its highest value, reaching an exchange rate of almost 19,000 bones. It has currently fallen , due to newbie investors jumping off the hypetrain and a brief flooding of the market. Now the cryptocurrency is only exchanging for a measly 13,500 dingos.
No matter whether it’s worth $20,000 or $10,000, that kid in high school you kinda remember had a wallet of over 250 bitcoins he had acquired from the GFX work he did for a RPG forum in the mid-2000s. Worth mere cents then, he now owns over 3 million buckaroonis in assets. That’s a lot of money for a single young gentleman to consume on his own, so you might as well help him out. Here’s how to do it.

1. Message him on Facebook talking about all of the “great times” you spent together, and don’t forget to specifically recall the time you bumped into him in the hallway and joked about his size. That was a really bonding moment for you two.
2. Once you’ve reeled him into an intimate conversation with your dubious compliments, make sure and create a bond with him over your mutual affinity for “PC games.” Make sure to mention your favorite game is “8-ball mini pool.”
3. Now that mutual interest has been established, begin your masterplan. Bring the conversation around to bitcoin. He’ll never see it coming. Mention your “rig” and when he counters with his “monster beast of a machine,” compliment his “specs” whether or not you know what a “dual octacore processor” is.
4. Here’s the make-it-or-break-it stage. Make sure to mention that one taco truck in town that takes bitcoin. Tell him you’d like to meet. If he counters with, “I’ll buy,” you’re in.
5. In this pivotal stage, you must balance your lust for his acquisitions to your seeming genuine desire to know this person. It is clear that cash is worth far more than human relationships, but learning to balance your deepest desire with an outward affability will help smooth the road when dealing with those romantic idealists who believe in the power of human connection.
6. Now, you’re definitely getting bored listening to his nonsense; going on about “internet privacy” and “net neutrality.” Make sure through the discourse to pepper in plenty of “mhm, yeahs” and very emphatic “UHUHs.” Once you’ve satiated his stream of bitter meme related jabs at cultural standards, you’ll pose your most bold question yet: “I’d really like to start investing more in bitcoin. Have any ideas?”
7. You’ve done it now. He realizes that this was all an act in an attempt to suck up to him for his current wealthy status. He screams at you under the metal pavilion directly next to the now very confused staff of the taco truck. Something about how you’re the fifth person from high school who has tried to reconnect and he feels like everyone is just using him even his mother who calls for extra cash to go shop at least once every three days. Of course, you don’t hear all of this because you managed to sneak a peek of the code for his BTC wallet on his phone and you are now walking away satisfied, as you drain his account.

Post Author: Thomas von Borstel