How to write a Christian rock song in 5 easy steps

Have you always wanted to spread the word of God through song? Use your musical talents for praise and worship? Make a whole bunch of money? Then put on your Life Church T-shirt and keep reading, because today we’re gonna teach you how to write a Christian rock song!
1. The Style
First things first before we get into the nitty gritty, your style. In Christian rock, there are basically two different categories that your style will fall under: the Old Testament or the New Testament. In the Old Testament style, the music is heavy, distorted and loud; reminiscent of the days when genocide and cannibalism were like intramural sports. Black leather and dyed hair is a must, and nothing says “praise be” like a flying V-shaped guitar. In the New Testament style, however, you want a softer touch. Something that says “The path to happiness is through love, not child sacrifice.” Grab an acoustic guitar, some thrift shop clothes that make you look like Johnny Depp, and maintain a 6:1 background singer to lead singer ratio.
2. The Intro
Now that you’re ready to rock for Jesus, you’ve gotta start off on the right foot. Christian rock is all about creating atmosphere. So start off with some ambience, just strum the guitar however you want and hold any note down on the synth. Some might say it’s “out of key”, or it’s “bad”, but that’s probably because they’re just atheists.
3. The Verse
This is the part where you start to get the crowd going a little. Stop shredding your axe, throw your hands in the air and start busting out lyrics that sound like bumper stickers in your best teen pop star voice. Make sure you close your eyes and wince, too. Wince like your life depended on it. Wince until you think you’ve wincewd all you got, then wince a little more. This is very important, because without it you won’t look nearly evangelical enough.
4. The Build
Here we are at last, the build. The build is the most important section of any good Christian rock song, which as we know of course is every Christian rock song. So tell your drummer to put four on the floor (they’ll know what it means), then start strumming along to the beat quietly. Again, it doesn’t matter where you put your fingers because this part is supposed to sound tense and uncomfortable. Start getting louder and louder, feel the tension rising like Lucifer whispering in your ear to do a sick kickflip in an area clearly marked “no skateboarding” and the pressure is building and building because you just know it would be so dang rad to do it and every nerve in your body is telling you to do it but you just keep fighting because you know you’re about to hit that beat drop into the chorus and everything will be alright.
5. The Chorus
Ah, sweet release. This is really the only part you need chords, but it’s alright if you can’t play them. Nobody will hear you anyway because you’re trying to play an acoustic guitar over 12 other amplified instruments. So just have the band cycle through 3 or 4 chords and KEEP WINCING! Remember that this is where the audience will be fully engulfed by the lord’s presence, because even God likes to let loose a little.
Well there you have it! Five easy steps to becoming the next top 40 christian rockstar idol sensation! Oh and don’t worry about an outro, just play the intro again, pray a little, and don’t forget to ask everyone to stop by the gift shop on the way out. Then sit back, relax and watch the tithes roll in (get it?).