Hurricane Heartbreak: counteracting breakups with EX-orcisms

This week’s weekly email from TU attempts to tackle breakups and shares healthy ways for students to overcome heartache and loss.

In a strangely unimpressive move, the University of Tulsa official email system sent out yet another singularly esoteric and obscure solution to a problem faced by many students. With modern solutions proving too unwieldy and destructive, TU has enlisted the ancient solution of exorcism for students getting over breakups. Instead of focusing on stress-reducing tips, support groups that promise to increase the efficacy of a student’s work or other on-campus services to alleviate the pains of a student body, some miscreant in the TU offices decided to take on the awkwardness of failed relationships. The email in question provides an impressively detailed dissertation on the issues students may face on campus, spending most of its verbosity on explaining the potential outcomes of said relationships and dwelling extensively on the sadness and distress a broken connection can cause.

The university wants to help you deal with your ex, but not in the classic ways of consuming mass amounts of comfort food, seeking out self-destructive attachments in an attempt to find self-validation or finding a new addiction or dependency. The alternative solution proposed by the university calls upon the long tradition of seeking to banish that which is unwelcome back to whence it came. As a university with a traditional, classical leaning, the TU admins have reconciled with the Catholic Church in order to draw on the vast stores of occult knowledge contained in parish vaults. With the long-winded explanation out of the way, TU wants to help you exorcise your ex.

A list of ingredients precedes the actual spell, indicating the necessity of some common components like salt and the blood of an innocent, but some other… things require more preparation. The werewolf heart has struck some students as extremely difficult to obtain, and a select group of students have posted guides to Reddit describing exactly how to trap the werewolves in the basement of Chapman then manipulate the door to let one out at a time. At the time of writing, the line to use this werewolf heart farm wraps up the stairwell and all the way into that weird building east of it that houses all the business majors. On a completely unrelated note, the price of meat in the local Reasor’s has declined rapidly.

Perhaps the most difficult portion of the spell relies on perfect syllabic modulation in chanting the cantrips needed to combine the compounds into the voodoo doll facsimile of one’s ex. While the notes themselves do not present a remarkably intimidating challenge to sing, the true fortitude necessary to sing and maintain pitches while crying keeps limiting the progress of those wishing to damn their previous partner to eternal hellfire.

One could doubt the various moral quandaries presented by this way of dealing with grief, but campus services have reported an ongoing decrease in the wait times to see campus counselors beginning around the time the email first circulated. However, the number of physical plant complaints due to the exorcized leaving behind containers of perishable food on counters, having been damned in the midst of creating food. With this new information, you can hopefully get over your ex. Or get even.

Post Author: Adam Walsh