I tried to go off of Obamacare for a week and Obama beat me up

13 April 2017
Sam Chott, Running up a huge hospital bill

I tried to figure out if repealing Obamacare would be that bad by refusing to use my insurance for a week. It was harmful, because Barack Obama himself beat me up when I tried.

Though their first attempt fell short, it’s likely that GOP lawmakers aren’t done trying to “repeal and replace” Obamacare. I decided that it would be worthwhile to live without insurance for a week and see what happened.

Some have suggested that a week isn’t long enough, and that maybe an educated, relatively wealthy student journalist isn’t representative of everyone in America in terms of vulnerability to health problems. It turns out that I did run into some health problems that week, because the former president of the United States beat me up.

I had announced my intentions to give up my parents’ insurance, which I can still use thanks to Obamacare, on Facebook and Twitter. The next day, as I was walking to class, Barack Obama, buff from all of his kitesurfing, hit me with a killer right hook.

Some people have suggested that Barack Obama attacking me was unrelated to me giving up the benefits I got from the Affordable Care Act. I know that this is false, because while I was on the ground and Obama was kicking me, he shouted, “Millions of uninsured people were able to become insured under Obamacare! Visit healthcare.gov!”

It turns out that, despite only testing out this hypothesis on myself, Obamacare is crucially necessary to all Americans. I know this, because after a shredded Barack Obama kicked the shit out of me, I was unable to get affordable treatment both for my bruised ribs and for the psychological trauma that comes with being brutally attacked by a Nobel Peace Prize winner.

I know that there are some people who won’t believe me, and I know that a lot of people think that they can successfully defend themselves against Barack Obama. Don’t get any ideas, though, because I definitely saw Michelle putting on some brass knuckles before I blacked out.