The former tech giant accidentally reveals what it has been working on lately.
In a stunning turn of events, International Business Machines has finally shown the public what it actually does.
Since creating Watson in 2011, no one knows what IBM does anymore. The three most influential investigators in American politics — the FBI, CIA and KGB — all have failed to find what IBM does in their office buildings leftover from when people still bought desktop computers.
After their stock underperformed since investors have no way of knowing what they are purchasing, the former tech giant has wallowed in loneliness. But on April 1, 2018, all that changed for the better.
A horde of over 10,000 brain-eating drones blocked out the sun that morning. Each robot was programmed to devour any civilian’s brain on sight. For unknown reasons, Apple product users were more frequently targeted.
Of course, the American public cheered the onslaught of devilish automatons. After many dark years of living in ignorance, people have found what they have been doing all this time.
We spoke to one ecstatic civilian, Sue Smith.
“This is fantastic! These things are so cool! And imagine all the jobs that will be created to clean this mess up! Also, think of the military applications! Oh, and don’t forget about … aaaaahh!”
Smith tragically met her end toward the end of the interview as a drone sank its titanium teeth deep into her cranium. She looked happy.
Ginny Rometty, CEO of IBM, commented on the affair.
“We went through many phases to design these machines. We originally had them attached with speakers to play Bruno Mars music. But we figured that would violate restrictions on cruel and unusual punishment, so we went with brain-eating.”
When asked whether the affair was an accident, Rometty remained calm.
“Did this increase our stock? Yes. Was that worth the human lives sacrificed? Of course. But no. Releasing them was an accident of an intern.”
The intern she spoke of, Superninja6969, has been promoted to CIO.
Meg Whitman, CEO of Hewlett-Packard, expressed her frustration on the matter.
“How did they beat us to it? Now what do we do with our thousands of flesh-eating robots disguised as toasters? You know how hard it was to convince the public that HP was making toasters in the first place?”
Some say the drones could positively affect the economy as well. With fewer brains in the market, the market for intelligent jobs would remove its glut.
This event may open doors for other tech companies to accidentally release their secret products for the betterment of humanity as well. Tesla may lose its giant death robot, for example. Or Apple will release its iPhone 15, which it probably developed a few years ago and will hold so they can continue making each iPhone only slightly better than the last so they can sell a new phone each year.
As the sun sets over the carnage of what used to be Tulsa, humanity rejoiced in hopeful song. Millennials, though dying, can have comfort in another tech company producing overpriced goods that border on the unethical.
