Impressively, SA manages to make funding even harder

27 April 2017
Sam Beckmann, Tried to spend $1000 on entertainment

Student Association recently released new funding guidelines that modernize the process.

In what can only be described as a monumental feat, Student Association has released new guidelines that make it even harder for clubs to acquire SA funding. The new regulations require all on-campus organizations seeking funding to take a selfie of themselves buying items, write a manifesto about the importance of their club in regards to the complex socio-economic structure in which we live, and submit a blood-pact using the blood of a freshman. The blood-pact must, of course, be taped on all sides to a standard 8.5” x 11” sheet of paper.

According to the SA Grand Chancellor, the new guidelines “more accurately reflect what we’re expecting of students who want funding. Students constantly come to us, needy and whining about paying for their events. Well, there’s only so much money to go around, and we want to give it to clubs that are committed. And nothing shows commitment like your own manifesto and blood-pact every time you wish to hold an event.”

In a press release, SA cited several reasons why the new regulations were put in place. Specifically, they mentioned the closing of loopholes in the current guidelines that allowed to clubs to get funding with only a large, not monumental, amount of effort. In addition, the release mentioned senators thought students were going too far when they asked questions like “Can we get t-shirts to attract people to our event?” and “What if placing posters all around campus, which you consider acceptable advertising, costs more the $30? Can you still reimburse us?” These questions were “completely and totally over the line,” according to one senator. “Students should come groveling to FAC and Senate to get reimbursed. At no point should they feel entitled to be able to throw events as a result of paying their student activities fee.”

In a follow up, SA clarified that they these new guidelines could be waived by senate whenever they felt like it, and would be done so when considering clubs where senators were friends with the club’s officers.

“Ultimately, we believe these guidelines are fair for all student organizations, especially because they don’t have a choice when it comes to funding their events, so they have to follow the guidelines or risk being out hundreds of dollars,” the statement closed. At press time, SA could not be reached for comment, as they were still in a senate meeting debating what exactly is considered consumable.