Dear SRM: You arrested my Uncle three weeks ago after his son posted dissenting posters in the town square. We understand that torturing him to find all the rebels is essential, but we’d really love it if you wouldn’t kill him.
Dear SRM: In your inscrutable wisdom you have decided to remove all of the streetlights in my neighborhood. Now, I know it’s your policy not to spend taxpayer money on taxpayers, but crime has risen significantly and the jails are already overflowing. Could you maybe invest in some infrastructure so that we don’t live in a nightmarish every-man-for-himself hellscape?
Dear SRM: You recently moved all the bugs in my home, and now I’m not sure in which direction I shout to turn myself in for something. If you could please send us an updated list of bug locations, I’d really appreciate it.
Dear SRM: I can’t find my left shoe. You know the one I mean, the purple converse with a hand drawn unicorn on the front? Could you guys help me look for it?
Dear SRM: Could you increase my alcohol allowance each week? Two bottles of vodka isn’t enough to deal with your bullshi…at this point the letter cut off. The writer was found dead over his desk.
Dear SRM: While I was driving my car the other day I ran over a pothole so big it voided the warranty on my hip replacement. Would it be possible to fill it in? I mean, surely you could get one of those secret policemen you have tailing me to put some sand in it.
Dear SRM: The microchip you implanted in my brain is causing me to hear voices. The voices almost always give unreliable financial advice and directions to bad restaurants. Did you intend to do this, and are you in cahoots with the dragon that lives under my refrigerator?
Dear SRM: Tomorrow morning I am scheduled to be executed. My only request is this. I desire to die peacefully, and the SRM has botched every single execution it has ever conducted. So, instead of the usual drug cocktail injection, can you arrange for me to die in a less brutal way? Like by firing squad or immolation?
Dear SRM: Last week I realized that unless my personality changes significantly, I am very unlikely to fulfill any of the plans I had laid out for myself as a child. Can you help me find something to blame aside from myself for this unfortunate situation?
Dear SRM: I’ve begun having some disturbing, ‘free-thinking’ type thoughts. I can only conclude that the brain chemicals you put in the water supply are running low. Just for your information.
Dear SRM: A week ago my dog ran away. After a few days, a cat showed up on my front step panting, running in circles, and just generally playing like a dog. I have reached the conclusion that my dog’s brain has been put in this cat. Are you running any state-sponsored mad science programs? If so can you fix my dog (cat?)?
Dear SRM: Recently we’ve been having to work 20 hour days instead of 16. I’m not questioning the work of our government leaders, but is there any way we could get a third water break after hour 16? I’ve been fainting five times a day instead of the recommended three recently.
Dear SRM: The trackers you put in my children have been malfunctioning lately. I haven’t seen them in three days, and I’m not really sure where they went. I’m not all that worried, but I thought you should know in case you’d want to track them down.
Dear SRM: THE CITY MANAGER IS A LIAR! HE TOLD ME THAT THE NEW OBSTACLE COURSE BETWEEN WORK AND HOME WOULD BE FILLED WITH ACID AND POISON STAKES, BUT IT’S FILLED WITH LAVA AND RAINING PITCH! DO NOT TRUST THE CITY MANAGER!!!!!!!
Dear SRM: I was recently hired as a janitor in one of the many government buildings in our city. When I arrived on my first day I found that the building I had been assigned was completely empty. There was no electricity, no plumbing, not even any insulation. It was just a bunch of guys in janitor’s uniforms standing around. Also, I haven’t been paid yet, so could you do something about that?
Dear SRM: The other day I was walking my dog and I noticed that the surveillance camera on 3rd Street was broken and dangling by its cord. Is this some kind of test? Do I get a reward for doing what I should and telling you?
Dear SRM: In a bizarre case of mistaken identity, I seem to have been confused for another person with the same name. I would like to remind anyone reading this that I am the Brad Smith who works at an insurance company and enjoys gardening. The Brad Smith who takes part in subversive activities lives on 21st Street.
Editor’s Note: All complaints and complainers have been dealt with appropriately.