It’s a crime to knock over a Lime

Following what TU Campus Security described as the “brutal murder and dismemberment” of an electric scooter last week, new rules have been implemented for students regarding the treatment of Limes, Birds and other zoom-to-class-quick-a-majiggers.
Bobby Jonas, newly-appointed Campus Security E-Crimes Unit principal investigator, said his officers responded to a call about a downed scooter around 2 p.m. last Saturday afternoon.
“Despite the gross disfigurement of the victim, that vivid green was unmistakable,” said Jonas. “The Lime suffered extensive damage to its frame and a clean decapitation.”
Jonas declined to release the deceased scooter’s serial number until its family can be notified.
TU student Tara Michaels reported the incident to Campus Security. Michaels said she almost tripped over the scooter after leaving her Boss Babe 101 class at Helmerich Hall.
“As someone who regularly Limes around campus, that shit fucked me up,” said Michaels. “I don’t know if I can stomach stepping onto another scooter anytime soon. Legit traumatized.”
Jonas said his unit is treating the death as “suspicious” in light of similar crimes against Limes this semester. According to Jonas, since classes began three Limes have been found with extensive bruising, two Razors have lost battery packs and one Bird was discovered tangled in the upper branches of a tree.
“E-violence will not be tolerated at TU,” said Jonas. “I’ve advised the administration on some emergency rules for the student population until these cases are solved.”
The new E-scooter regulations go into effect on Friday, Oct. 13 and include:
E-scooters must remain upright at all times. Students who are found to have left E-scooters on their sides will face The Gauntlet.
E-scooters must only be ridden on paved areas. Riding on grassy areas, flowerbeds, walls and ceilings is not permitted and punishable by The Gauntlet.
Destruction of E-scooters will be met by swift arrest and transport to The Gauntlet.
Students are not permitted to ask about, discuss or ponder The Gauntlet.
Tuition will not be reimbursed for students who fall victim to The Gauntlet.
Jonas repeatedly declined to comment on the nature of The Gauntlet but insisted it be capitalized for dramatic effect. He said the rules are part of a greater crackdown on “senseless scooter sadism” on campus.
“For Goldie’s sake, just yesterday we were notified that a scootering student fell into the McFarlin atrium. We were able to airlift the Lime out of the pit, but the student will be left there until midterms so he can really think about what he did,” said Jonas. The student has not been seen since he has fallen into the atrium pit. Michaels was quoted saying, “If this guy isn’t taken out of that pit until midterms he might never make it out of there. I don’t know how the school expects someone to survive in that small of a space, outside of the dorms of course, without access to meal trades.”
Citrust Holdings LLC, Lime Micromobility’s parent company, declined to comment on the new measures but offered students affected by the E-crimes a $1.15 ride voucher for any incurred emotional distress.

Post Author: Sara Serrano