To commemorate the franchise’s 20th anniversary this year, two new Pokémon games are scheduled to be released. While there hasn’t been much information about these new games, Nintendo recently released concept art indicating that I will be a Pokémon.
This is all completely legal, since I entered into a raffle for a free Nintendo 64 when I was eight and, long story short, I didn’t read the fine print and Nintendo technically owns me now. I’ll have to put my college career on hold, since I’m being told that I’ll have to work as myself in a Nintendo theme park for the rest of my life.
Look, I’m as disappointed by this as you are. I always thought I’d get famous from doing something stupid in the background of a local TV broadcast, or from being a serial killer’s victim. I never wanted to be involved in a dogfight between magical animals.
A lot of fans have been wondering what kind of Pokémon I’ll be. Most Pokémon can learn about fifty moves or so. I, on the other hand, will only be able to learn three moves total. One’s Struggle, and the other’s Rest. Nintendo hasn’t announced the third move yet, and I’m hoping it’ll be something cool like Surf or Attract, but a leaked document has indicated that it’s probably just Splash.
That same document also indicated that I’m the second in a chain of three evolutions. When a Pokémon gains enough levels, it turns into a different kind of Pokémon. I’ll apparently be evolving from some kind of monkey-like Pokémon, and the Pokémon I evolve into is basically identical to me, but has a slightly higher sperm count.
Many fans have been wondering why the first Pokémon to be announced is a gangly college student and not a fire-breathing peacock or a capybara with psychic powers. First of all, I’m very easy to make a convincing 3D model of, since I don’t have much muscle definition. The animators won’t have to work very hard, since I basically stay in one place all the time.
Even with the lack of precedent, I’m pretty excited about this. Even if I’ll be posing for pictures at theme parks and conventions for the rest of my life, I’ll still have better job security than most college graduates. I’m kind of worried that I’ll be overshadowed by the next generation of Pokémon, though. Rumor has it that they’re planning on turning actually impressive people into Pokémon, like the Star Wars Kid or the mean lady on The Bachelor who somehow always sticks it out to the end of the season.
I’m now being told that it’s time to stuff myself into this tiny Pokéball, to be placed on the carry-on rack during my flight to Japan. I’d like to thank my professors for helping me prepare for this, but it turns out that an incomplete undergraduate education can’t help me understand the angry shouting of Japanese Nintendo executives, and certainly hasn’t make me more flexible. I guess I’ll see you all again when Pokémon on Ice tours through Tulsa.