A new student-led organization has appeared on the University of Tulsa campus. Human Acknowledgement & Interaction Resistance, or H.A.I.R., is an organization dedicated to teaching students how to lead safe and healthy lives by never interacting with anybody ever.
“Who needs friends when you have H.A.I.R.?” self-elected President John Hain told reporters at State-Run Media. “Social interactions can be such traumatizing events. It’s better if they just don’t happen.” The club, thus far consisting of Hain and only Hain, will be in charge of going to classes and teaching students how to not interact with other people. Students will be lead in various anti-social activities, such as “Avoid That Person” relay races, How To Fake Your Death training, and roleplaying real-life rejection scenarios. Weekly competitions will determine who can come up with the most convincing excuses to not hang out. “I just want to help people, but, like, without ever interacting with them. If I can help just one student be alone, then I can feel like I’m really changing the world,” Hain said.
In line with the teachings of H.A.I.R., students are encouraged to “lead lives free from violence, social interactions and other dangerous behaviors.” The 10-week program was designed to help relieve students both of peer pressure, and of their peers in general.
Hain informed reporters that he hoped the club would take off soon, acquiring many new members, and meeting on a bi-weekly basis. “I just feel like this is an important message. People need to know about how terrible other people are,” Hain said, with a look of pure terror on his face.