Karen provided this family portrait featuring her then-boyfriend Travis and the late Amy. graphic by Naomi Dunn

Karen please take me back

Woman dumps boyfriend after he kills her house plants.

A man named Travis of Monterey, California came to our offices this morning with a wild tale. He told us that his girlfriend left him because he “murdered” her house plants. He seemed adamant that we know the entire story, so we let the tape recorder run for the whole sordid story. Here’s a taste of his ramblings:

“I don’t know why she has so many! They’re harder to take care of than babies with having to water them like weekly and remembering to leave them in the window all the time.

“One time, I was sitting in my normal spot at the board game cafe, trolling for chicks (baby chickens, not girls. #NotAllMen) when I mentioned to a girl that my ex had dumped me for killing her darling Petunia. Pretty sure she thought I was talking about a person or a dog. I told the next girl the same thing, but remembered to mention that I was talking about a succulent. She was even more terrified than the first girl.”

“I don’t see why they have to stay in the house and take up so much room! There are ten people living here and one room contains solely plants. They’re plants! Why can’t they go back outside where they belong?”

“I just want Karen to know that I am a changed man and I will do anything to get her back. I will even go to those stupid Recovering Plant Murderers meetings.”

We were able to track down the ex-girlfriend, Karen, at the local plastic straw manufacturing plant leading a protest and screaming “Save the turtles!”

Karen had this to say about the situation: “He murdered my children! Amy was recovering from a rough winter when I let Jason babysit for a week. I was away on business and thought everything would be fine. Nothing was fine! He over watered them all, put Tina outside, and left Amy in the bathroom sink!”

We played Karen the recording of Travis’ plea for reunion and she responded with: “I will never take him back. I have a new boyfriend who appreciates the struggle of taking care of so many children. He loves them all like they were his own.”

I personally believe this story unnecessary and overly dramatic, but my boss told me to report on it. So here it is. Never mess with a woman’s houseplants.

Since you have read this far, please consider voting Michaela Bueche for California Governor. I will put an end to all houseplants, men named Travis and relationships.

UPDATE: We have since learned that Travis stole one of Karen’s plants for revenge. He has discovered a new chemical formula to increase plant growth and injected it into said plant. He now “plans to take over the world with his giant ass plant”.

But, like, what’s an ass plant?

Post Author: Michaela Bueche