Katie keeps trying to force nickname

28 February 2017
Amy Cairns, aka AC$Money

A TU student has come up with a new entry in a long line of nicknames that she insists her friends learn.

Reporters at the State-Run Media have received many anonymous tips that a local student has given herself yet another nickname.

“She just won’t stop,” anonymous tipper Lauren McCarthy told reporters at the State-Run Media. “Every day it’s a new nickname. Casper, Kit-Kat, Coco, K.K., I don’t even know her name anymore.” McCarthy, the roommate of the student-at-hand, says that even the Resident Assistants don’t know her real name. “All of her door decorations are just one of her nicknames!”

Having mastered the art of disguise, it seems as though no two people call mystery girl the same name. “Oh! You mean K-Dawg? Yeah! She’s my girlfriend,” said unnamed student Brian Lodrick. “When we started dating she called herself Kool-aid. Every day is a new surprise with her!”

“Well, she introduced herself to me as Caddyshack last Thursday,” unidentified commenter James Jordan reported. “Which honestly might be the best name thus far. Even when we were kids, she never could keep a name straight. I lose track all the time, and I’m her brother!”

Reporters at State-Run media were able to track down this mystery girl. “Oh. My name’s Katie. I just think there are too many Katie’s, y’know?” she stated. At the time of press, Katie had decided on her final nickname: Cathryn.