Stitt and his new sugar daddy. graphic by Emma Palmer

Kevin Stitt’s sugar baby application

Please shower me in your money Daddy Donald. 🙂

Governor Kevin Stitt gave the 2020 State of the State address last Monday, but instead of reporting the current condition of Oklahoma, he used his speech to submit his application to be President Donald Trump’s sugar baby. The transcript lies below (just like Kevin):

First I would like to thank all y’all loyal Oklahomans for coming out today. I’d especially like to thank my one and only friend First Lady Sarah Stitt, my children and my parents for supporting me. I’d also like to thank everyone watching at home. Hopefully that includes our great savior President Trump. The reason for that hope is that this speech will be my application to be his sugar baby.

I’ll start with a little information about myself. I’m a husband and a father of six, but they can easily disappear if necessary. That’s only 21 years of my life down the drain. I’m also a businessman and started from the bottom just like you. 😉

I am applying for the position of sugar baby because I have long been working toward making Oklahoma a Top Ten State in this nation. To accomplish this, Oklahoma will need more funding for government ventures. The state is no longer raking in large sums from oil and gas, which has really wrecked our economy. That’s not even the worst of it, though.

But that is beside the point. The most important thing is that I personally need more money. It could even be a small loan of a million dollars to start with. I may have accrued a few gambling debts, but I’ve mostly got that issue resolved. I just had to shut down all the casinos in Oklahoma.

The sugar baby application was originally Sarah’s idea, but she thought you would be more attracted to me. She’s always wanted to experiment in the bedroom, and she also recently made me aware that she can no longer afford my extravagant lifestyle.

You may remember me from your Twitter endorsement of me during my run for Governor or even when you met me after I won. I was even in D.C. just last week with you talking about my take on your wonderful Medicaid program that you were so excited about. I call it SoonerCare 2.0. The name inspiration came from your new “Tax Cuts 2.0.”
SoonerCare 2.0 shows my loyalty and devotion to you, Mr. Trump. To show my commitment, I guarantee the entire state of Oklahoma will vote for you in the 2020 election.

In conclusion, I hope you will consider my application and become a permanent addition to the Stitt family, Daddy. I mean, Mr. President Sir.

When asked about Kevin Stitt’s unorthodox State of the State address, all Trump had to say was, “Who?”

Post Author: Michaela Bueche