Cops surround a local Olive Garden as Brad Stix tries to get away. graphic by Conner Maggio

Largest drug bust of 2019 at… Olive Garden??

The unlimited soup and salad deal is in fact too good to be true.

Have you wondered why your meals at Olive Garden have recently become so prohibitively expensive, even though you only ordered a salad and a water? Turns out you have been chowing down on illegal drugs disguised as olive oil and leafy greens.

The police were tipped off last Wednesday when a patron was reported chasing squirrels around a local Olive Garden after binge-eating the restaurant’s unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks special. After further investigation, a drug test and an uncomfortably long conversation about the history of nuts, the police concluded that the salad he ate was not what it seemed.

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) was called in for further examination and determined that Olive Garden has been using illegal substances in a variety of their meals. Many ingredients, such as oregano and parsley, are suspected to have been substituted with cannabis.

After much speculation and questioning, the restaurant made a statement saying the reason for the substitutions was to “increase business” and “give the customers what they want.” Because recreational cannabis was illegal in many states, it became a delicacy and was hard to come by Because of this, Olive Garden decided to run an underground drug cartel.

The famous salad that is usually served before every meal has developed an irresistibly unique flavor that makes many patrons reach for the salad tongs every time. Turns out the original mix featuring classic Italian herbs, such as oregano and parsley, was substituted with crushed cannabis leaves. No wonder people have been going through the breadsticks so fast — they had the munchies!

Ryan, a food enthusiast, suspected something was off when he always left with “feel-good vibes” after spending hours at a booth eating the soup and salad deal. “As I ate, I got hungrier, and could go through a whole bowl of salad and three breadstick baskets by myself.”

Ryan was not surprised to hear that the food had “special ingredients” added to his meals. He said he was always “baffled” at the “extreme prices” that the restaurant charged for each meal, claiming, “I’d come in with a set budget and leave with empty pockets.” But now that he knows what he was eating, he “sees where the prices came from.”

“We charged extra to cover the costs of the weed that was being put into the food,” commented Shane, the general manager at a local Olive Garden, after being asked about how they paid for the drugs. “The restaurant wasn’t just going to let them have it for free!”

The Olive Garden bust is so far the largest drug sting of 2019. Authorities are calling it a “major victory” in light of the recent Oklahoma “drug bust” that turned out to just be legal hemp instead of weed. Since the discovery of the illegal substitutions, Olive Garden has returned to their original recipes featuring methamphetamine and crack cocaine. New management guarantees that the food will be “just as addicting.”

Post Author: Brooke-Lyne Holland