Law School updates stance on the gays

TU Law School to replace outdated “Don’t Say Gay” by law with new “Don’t Be Gay” policy.

Tulsa, OK – The University of Tulsa College of Law has come under fire for its recent change in by-laws on the issue of whether it is possible for gays to be lawyers. Dean Oren Griffin answers this controversial question. “No,” he said.

Author of “Is Being Gay a Jus Cogens Human Rights Violation?” and president of the Tulsa chapter of the Christian Legal Society, Richard Pence-Trump-Reagan-Thatcher, pushed this new step forward to a utopian land where everyone is a christian, virgin and a lawyer. What he calls the “Don’t Be Gay” approach, he explained that it, “Centers on the founders of our country, you know, Jefferson, Hamilton, General Washington, Colonel Sanders, John the Baptist and the rest. They teach us that love is between a man and a woman and a mistress and the law should be no different.” This perspective, however, is not shared by the entirety of the law school.

We interviewed some relevant parties on the issue. “What kind of money is in this for me? Which side pays better?” asked John, a third year law student. Chelsey, 2L explained that “Maximo scholae vere non sapio. Mutationem positivam iuris facere volo, eamque omnibus magis accommodam reddo.”

“Please dear God, do not quote me on anything. I just want to get out of here,” commented law professor Janet Levit, JD. We reached out to other law professors but they all pleaded the fifth.

“Our goal is to protect our most vulnerable minority: Christians” states the law school’s new mission statement. The new policy accompanies a change in the mission statement which more accurately aligns with our student body’s needs (the ones they care about that is). The law school also now more accurately represents the Oklahoma judicial system.

The office of public relations responded to our inquiry with this succinct statement, “Within the current political climate of our great state, it has become necessary for changes to occur which alter the appearance of how we view our own selves via shareholding offices vis-a-vis our board of directors’ goals. Fuck if I know man, I just do not want to be fired.”

This decision also sets precedent for how student ministries will be treated by administration. We asked the opinion of a 40 year-old man with skinny jeans (who probably works for a student ministry on campus) his thoughts. He responded, “How this will impact students on campus is clear. For too long student faith organizations have been dismissed by passing students who apparently ‘do not want Gatorade.’ They are just bigots. There is no way they do not like Gatorade. It is so refreshing. When you think about it, Gatorade is to the body what The Holy Spirit is to the mind.”

At press time President Carson released a statement on the controversy, “SBA sent some letter to me and I read it. Not really sure what it is about, I skimmed it. I was laughing so hard at Kyle’s satire I had read beforehand, I was a little distracted.” Thank you, Brad.

Post Author: Kyle Garrison