Hello, and welcome back students, faculty and any other slubs that read our prestigious publication. I hope you all had a tolerable summer and that none of your loved ones got disappeared. Alas, it is my morbid duty to inform the campus of the unfortunate end of the State-Run Media’s former Head Propagandist, Sam Chott. Our beloved Sam was walking down the street, minding his own business, drinking a PSL he’d been saving for months, when out of nowhere a lead-filled piano fell on the poor bastard. He didn’t even have time to get out one of his signature “oh no’s” before he was more dead than Harambe memes. Now I know there was some controversy as I was in the building that the piano fell from … and I was the one that filled the piano with lead. However, after some … let’s call it explaining, the local police department cleared me of any and all wrong-doing. As per Sam’s family’s request, his body was cremated via giant magnifying glass during the eclipse and his ashes will be kept on my desk in the State-Run Media’s office. All are welcome to come pay respects during normal office hours.
In happier news I’m in charge now, which means that the journalistic integrity and quality of the State-Run will be better than ever. In fact there’s no need to fact check any of our articles or to get your news from any other sources. I promise to hold the truth as the highest standard of our publication. If any of our articles fails to present the facts correctly and fully I promise to publically apologise if and only if irrefutable evidence of such failure is made public. Even then I’ll still probably try to place the blame on someone else. In summary, you, the reader, can trust the State-Run so much so that you’re actually legally required to trust any and all information we present.