Dear State-Run citizens,
I regret to inform you that the previous State-Run Media’s Head Propagandist, Adam Lux, is recently deceased. Just a week before classes started, he was found squashed into the pavement outside Campus Security’s office, flat as
the State-Run’s section. Eyewitnesses claim they saw a campus bus run him over on his way to talk to a security officer over suspicions of someone plotting to murder him. One student, Kristen Lewis, reported that his last words were, “Do I at least get free tuition?” Witness reports vary as to who they saw behind the wheel. Several swear they saw a golden bushy tail; apparently, Goldie might not be such a good girl after all. Others guarantee they saw our own President Clancy behind the wheel.
One student claimed they saw a girl in a black baseball cap speeding away in her wheelchair, but personally, I have
been suspecting Goldie for years. Thankfully, I am here to take his place as the Dictator of—I mean, Head Propagandist of the State Run Media. I promise to publish none of that “Fake News” bullshit and only the alternative facts told straight from the State. You can trust me to keep up the high moral standards of the State Run Media during what will be my long, long time in charge here. I will not hesitate to run over the feet of anyone who defies me and my all-powerful scooter.
Your fearless leader,