Literally everyone but you had a fantastic Valentine’s Day

Once again the anniversary of some dude dying has come and gone. Hallmark and Ghirardelli are sitting nicely on the fat piles of cash in the wake of a holiday you spent sprawled alone on your couch, eating half-price chocolate out of an ironically heart-shaped container.

On the dreaded V-Day you had gotten the sudden urge to see your ex again. They were a total jerk and you definitely deserve better, but hey there were good times too. Remember that mix CD they made you for your first Valentine’s day together? And your last Valentine’s Day. As you finished up the last chocolate you decided to stalk his/her facebook real quick. I mean, what can a quick look hurt? Maybe it could even remind you why you’re totally over them.

You pulled up their profile and were instantly bombarded by pictures of them with someone else. It looks like they went ice skating together. You quickly switched back to your newsfeed where you were met with an avalanche of pictures of your friends with their significant others out to dinner, or seeing a movie, or doing whatever gross shit couples do. Even your single friends all got together and went laser-tagging. It seems they forgot to invite you.

You began to think about how your Valentine’s Day had gone so far. You woke up and stubbed your toe on the way to the bathroom. It remained swollen and red for the rest of the day. You binge watched America’s Next Top Model season 8. Your mom sent you a text saying Happy Valentine’s Day, which you didn’t reply to. Then your power went out. You didn’t want to open the fridge so you ordered a pizza. The order got messed up and you were left with an extra large pepperoni and pineapple. You ate the entire thing. You ended the day by looked at cats up for adoption on your phone as your battery slowly died.

But even though you are literally the only person on the planet who didn’t have a great Valentine’s Day, you should buck up. As you wipe the crumpled-up Hershey’s Kisses wrappers from your chest and look longingly at that old photo of you and your ex that you have yet to delete from your phone, take solace in the fact that we are all alone in the end. Besides, it’s not like you base your self worth on whether or not you are in a relationship.

Post Author: tucollegian

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