Scandal scoured TU’s campus this past May when it was discovered the entire Class of 2015 liberal arts majors had graduated with honors despite never having read any of the assigned course materials. As a result, some TU graduates may have their degrees revoked.
When an inquiry was made of how any of the students passed even a semester of their freshman year, an investigative committee interviewed professor of Introduction to Western Philosophy, Elizabeth Fisher.
Regarding the massive and widespread academic fraud and her contribution to the fiasco, Fisher remarked “Can one truly claim to have been cheated when they learned a valuable lesson? These are the real questions.”
Fisher has been suspended indefinitely.
Clifford Isaac, one of the graduating students who may have their degrees revoked, was available for comment. When we asked Isaac about whether or not there was a conspiracy amongst liberal arts majors to not read any class materials, Isaac was quick to respond with “Wait, nobody else read anything either? Oh thank god, I thought it was only me.”
When questioned about the status of his education, and how he had passed his classes with zero retained knowledge, Isaac answered “Well, I think it’s like Sew-crates (sic) said: I know nothing.”
Isaac said he wrote his thesis over “reason, and how in the absence of reason, there is confusion, which is, in its absolute form, the essence of reason (sic).”
More liberal arts majors were available for comment, but the editor decided to respectfully decline any further interviews with liberal arts students.
Mudslinging and harsh charges have been levied at the Dean of the University of Tulsa, who was unavailable for comment.
At a press conference with a representative of the University, the school defended itself, stating, “the primary objective of this school is not to antagonize, badger, question, or in any other form interact with liberal arts majors more than necessary.”
Family and friends of liberal arts majors present at the press conference agreed with the university’s sentiment.
At press time it was discovered that none of the Arts and Science faculty had fully read through any of the texts they assigned, to which one professor had to comment, “Who do you think taught those kids?”
