Using the magic of musical snobbery, one local man was able to cure his superiority complex.
A small miracle occurred last week when local TU douche-canoe Chaz Cardwick was transformed into a lovable, accepting guy due to one small act. Cardwick is known for being “knowledgeable about music” or, in layman’s terms, he only likes eclectic rock.
“Music these days is just so fake and uninteresting,” said Cardwick three weeks ago, “like have you heard ‘Ultralight Beam’; it’s so boring.”
Despite his wrong opinions many other music douches considered him somewhat of an idol.
“Dude, Chaz is like the god, the og, the dude. He knows like every NOFX song and he doesn’t even like punk.” said Jacob Antonna one of Cardwick’s followers.
“It’s true, I think punk is derivative and not nuanced enough for to be considered proper music,” said Cardwick.
Cardwick’s reign of assholery was destined to end after one confrontation with a female student wearing a Nirvana t-shirt.
“He just ran up to me and shouted, ‘DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO KURT COBAIN IS?’.” said Melissa Canter, “I was so startled all that I could say was ‘uhhh’ even though I definitely know who Cobain is. I mean I’ve been listening to Nirvana since I was like 11.”
It’s true; there’s an embarrassing Youtube video from 2007 of her singing ‘Lake of Fire; very poorly, and she even mentioned how the song was originally by the Meat Puppets.
“After I stuttered he just started yelling ‘FAKE FAN, FAKE FAN’ at me. But then a shining beam of light shot down from the sky onto him, and suddenly he wasn’t such of a douche anymore.” said Canter
“Oh you mean Melissa? She’s just a swell girl,” Cardwick said post-transformation, “I was quite mean to her last week but that opened my eyes. I realized that I look for any opportunity to put myself over people because I was always jealous of how perfect my older brother is. He’s super smart and a great athlete. The only thing I was better than him at was music so I latched onto it, and it became entwined with my self-worth. After that incident I decided that respecting other people’s’ musical taste and welcoming those who may not be as familiar with my favorite bands is a much better way to live.”
“Dude Chaz is such a normie now,” said Antonna, “like I really like his earlier stuff but now he’s all like ‘we have to accept other people’s’ opinions’ and stuff. It’s so lame”
Cardwick has recently given hip-hop and punk a second chance.
“Yeah I’ve been jamming out to Late Registration lately and mixing in some Dead Kennedy’s. Now that I’ve gotten rid of my preconceived notions of these genres I’m able to appreciate the complexity and musical talent of these artists.”
Cardwick has also stopped pirating his music even from artists that “don’t need the money.”
At press time Cardwick has started a music appreciation club in which the first rule is “respect other’s opinion.”