A baby boomer poking holes in millennials’ condoms to uphold traditional marriage values. graphic by Conner Maggio

Millennials killing the institution of marriage

Old folks hate the youngins for ruining our country’s traditional marriage values.

America is in grave danger. The pillars that uphold our righteous society are crumbling down around us. A dark change is blowing in the wind, ripping away all that we hold close to our hearts. Blink and the world around you will morph into the hellish landscapes that haunt your unconscious mind and soak your pillowcase with cold sweat come morning.

But this time, you can’t wake up.

To come face to face with the facts, divorce rates in the United States have dropped about 18 percent in the last 10 years. And who is to blame for this atrocity? Who is at fault for this failure in the eyes of God? Those self-entitled, weak minded, Satan-sympathizing, kale-sipping, liberal excuses for human beings: millennials.

Back in the good ol’ days, when the sanctity of marriage was still intact, it was one man and one woman. They married at 18 and stayed together for 30 years of infrequent bliss and red-faced fights that made their kids hide under the covers. Then they divorced when the man had enough money to attract a younger model and maybe remarry again every six years, depending on the economy.

But no, millennials seem intent on destroying everything that once made America great. They wait until their mid-30s, until they are financially stable and in a relationship with someone that they truly love before popping the question, if they pop it at all. They must think that they’re too good to do things the old fashioned way. But I can only guess at the nonsensical workings of their minds.

I worry most about their children. They will never know what it’s like to wake up at the age of 30 to find that their parents, the ones who formed their entire definition of love, were never really happy together. They will never miss their train stop because they were deep in contemplation on the nature of perception, never wistfully stare at an old couple holding hands and wish that that would someday be their own parents, never look to their partner and question whether what they feel toward them is truly love. These moments shape a person and are crucial to maturity. I fear for the generations ahead that will lose these opportunities for growth forever.

It doesn’t have to be this way! We don’t have to let millennials ruin what was once holy. If we band together and take up arms against them, they can be stopped. Go forth to the bedside tables of the world, to the glove compartments, to the bottoms of purses. Go forth and damage, go forth and poke holes in every condom you can find! Let the millennials get pregnant and marry in their in their adolescent twenties, before they settle down and are actually ready! May they marry hastily, so that they may divorce just as quickly.

Post Author: Sara Serrano