We’re not okay (we promise). graphic by Sarah Le

Millions of emos rise from the depths of the Earth for MCR’s return

Are you excited about MCR’s return? So are all the lost and forgotten emos of the world.

After breaking up in 2013, My Chemical Romance left killjoys and emos all over the world in tears. The band had no intention of reuniting until the four ex-band members all simultaneously ran into each other in a Walmart self-checkout line earlier last month. While waiting for the slow line to proceed, one of the quartet proposed the novel idea of getting the band back together.

“Haha, I’m just kidding … unless?” said former MCR guitarist Frank Iero.

Surprisingly, the other members agreed and decided to reconvene at one band member’s house.

They returned to the very garage where their band had started 18 years ago, dusted off their black parade coats and band equipment and tested the note “G” on their piano keyboard to see if it still worked.

It did, and the note resonated throughout the garage and beyond, followed by a violent rumbling of the earth. The band members braced themselves for what they thought was an earthquake when, in reality, it was the force of millions of emos around the world rising from the depths of the earth, awakened by My Chemical Romance’s magic touch.

A volcano of emos, clad in black t-shirts, black ripped skinny jeans, black Converse, and black eyeliner very much not on fleek, erupted by the thousands, all chanting “Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)” as they ascended.

Terrified onlookers barricaded themselves within their homes in fear, believing that the zombie apocalypse had started.

The frenzied emos, shaking the dirt from their highlighted black swept-over hair all began crawling in the same direction like baby sea turtles headed to the ocean, the moon their guiding beacon. Only for this journey, Hot Topic was their moon.

Thousands of emos swarmed into Hot Topics all over the world, wanting to get their hands on as much My Chemical Romance merchandise as possible to prepare for the beginning of a new era. However, the emos were gravely disappointed in Hot Topic’s disgustingly mainstream vibe and ransacked the store as they set fire to Funko Pops and Melanie Martinez merchandise. The emos made their own merchandise by stealing and painting over anime t-shirts with “MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE” spelled in splattered letters.

Adam Shadowclaw, a Hot Topic cashier who witnessed the rampage said, “Well, we get storms of self-destructive emos daily and I thought these guys were just, like, really early for our Black Friday sale but these emos were, like, feral. They all just came in shouting ‘I’M NOT OKAY!’ and I’m like, ‘Y’all, there’s a therapy center next door,’ but they didn’t hear me and set fire to half the store. I freaking hate my job.”

After ambushing Hot Topic, all of the emos began their long journey to the Shrine Expo Hall in Los Angeles, the mecca where MCR’s first reunion show is set to be held. They traveled by foot, passing through rugged and rural terrain, absolutely wrecking their metatarsals as they hiked in black Converses and displayed their diehard love for MCR.

Billybob Bryer, a farmer in rural Oklahoma, shed a man-tear as he witnessed them tramping through his cattle fields. He sighed, “Y’know how swarms of locusts emerge every 13 years? Well, looks like this year’s swarm evolved to be human-sized and pure black in color. The bastards are going to destroy all of my crops this year. I’d better invest in some Godzilla-sized scarecrows or somethin’.”

When the emos reached their destination, they quickly built nests out of ripped skinny jeans and loose-leaf poetry around the Shrine Expo Hall, planning to camp there until MCR arrived. The emos began reciting every My Chemical Romance song ever made at the top of their lungs, screaming through the night like horny cicadas. Meteorologists report that the average temperature of Los Angeles increased by 1.2 degrees Celsius due to the emos’ heat-absorbing black attire.

One of the emos, Boxxy Loxie, rambled, “The last time I came out to see the sun was in 2013 when Fall Out Boy got back together. I was soooo happy to hear the news, but it turned out to be a let-down because Fall Out Boy changed their sound. Ugh! Those emo legends turned mainstream.”

“I’m soooo excited for MCR’s return but they better not change their sound so they can collab with Taylor Swift or something. If they do, I’m going to be soooo sad, and I’ll have to return underground to sulk for another decade or until Flyleaf gets back together.”

Despite the reunion concert being a month away, the mob around the expo hall is growing at an exponential rate. There is no word yet on whether the crowd is simply gaining new followers or somehow reproducing, but efforts into researching the phenomenon are ongoing. Experts warn not to feed the emos until further notice.

Post Author: Sarah Le