Williams and Carter on their super NOT gay date. graphic by Naomi Dunn

New scientific developments in study of “no homo”

It’s now easier than ever to give an honest kiss to your homie with no one batting an eye.

Whether it is whispered wistfully or delivered arrogantly followed by a slap to the ass, saying “no homo,” by all accounts, is the centerpiece that ties all of mankind together. Gone are the days of aggressively flirting with that girl from your chemistry class to prove how straight you are to the boys; now, with the help of no homo, it is easier to help your homies relieve some stress without compromising your sexuality.

Sure, there used to be some risks. Maybe you may have forgotten to say the magical phrase before a night of sensual love-making, where your penis was the clay and your bro was the sculptor.

You don’t need to worry about that anymore! That minuscule moment of fear — that dreaded questioning of your sexuality because Ryan gave it to you so good last night — is a thing of the past thanks to scientific advancements in the no homo field of study.

Dr. James “The Schwartz” Schwartzman, alumnus of the Alpha Smegma Chi fraternity and a lead researcher at the Mayo Clinic, has figured it all out.

He recalls a formative event at his fraternity that lead to his topic of study.

It was the weekend, and the ingredients of a romantic night were all laid out: heart-shaped balloons, rose petals, and a private screening of “Pink Panther 2.” But, instead of a celebration of a year-long relationship between Jason Williams and Eric Carter, something drastic was revealed.

Williams and Carter weren’t dating.

“Oh, it was such a big thing,” says the Schwartz as he tucks a misshapen joint behind his ear. “Honestly, we were concerned a little at first because we didn’t want Jason’s number-one slampiece just to be another dude, but we all knew the facts: if you need to derf, you gotta derf.”

The miscommunication between Williams and Carter was apparently messy. The Schwartz remembered how Williams and Carter argued about the definition of their relationship. Carter said the two gave each other “bro jobs” and only made out after drinking “a shit ton of Bacardi.”

“I always wore socks,” Carter supposedly cried.

And, as the catchy little riff of “Pink Panther 2” stirred in the background, Williams, with the stoicism of a war-torn soldier, whispered, “But I never did.”

Later, when the Schwartz followed up about the problem, Carter said, “Just because Jason and I sometimes hook up doesn’t mean I’m no longer a Level 7 Poon Hound. It just means sometimes you gotta man the fuck up and kiss your homie.”

The Schwartz shudders. “Because of that, parties were awkward as hell.”

This critical moment caused the most important findings of the no homo industry. Through several hundred experimental studies and case-by-case studies, scientists can safely agree on what precisely makes a hook-up turn gay.

Here are the science-approved essentials to a safe, no homo night:

A ton of booze – You can mask the heart-pounding excitement of seeing your bro laid beneath you, lips bruised, eyes wide and cheeks flushed. Anything you say — any compliments to your friend’s sexual finesse or the way his hair looks all pushed back like that, shit, yeah, super sexy — will be a blur.

Socks – If your feet touch at all, then any hope of you being straight is gone. (“The feet are, like, the most sensitive part of your body. You don’t want that tickling your bro,” says the Schwartz.)

A playlist of Lincoln Park and Eminem– The crooning vocals of Chester Bennington allow for a safe mindset: one where you’re here for business, but there’s still that masculine edge to your efforts. Meanwhile, Eminem is just there to get you hyped as hell.

NO contact with balls – No accidental fondling. No mouth tricks. And — this is crucial — do not touch your balls to another man’s. Dude, what the hell are you doing? What if your sperm is gay now?

The Schwartz emphasizes that all of these rules must be followed, lest ye be caught with the curse of a failed no homo night. With these tips in mind, however, it will be easier to relieve some tension during your midterms, or if you think the new guy, Greg, is kind of hot and makes your heart race in a weird kind of way.

Post Author: Anna Johns