In an email sent out over the weekend to TU students and faculty, President Upham announced that the university would begin to take corporate sponsors to renovate and develop campus facilities. Student health resources will now be sponsored by broadcast network The CW, beginning with a new mandatory sex-ed program titled Gossip Girl, Not Gonorrhea.
CW representative Bill Young hosted a press conference Monday evening where he explained the program as an attempt to encourage students to feel empowered by whatever decisions they decide to make with their bodies, while remaining healthy and educated.
“It’s a sliding scale based on the characters as we know and love them. In the danger zone, in which students are unaware of multiple partners’ histories—or even names—we have Chuck Bass.” Young gestured to a single-axis graph represented at one end by actor Ed Westick. “And on the opposite end, the key model of responsibility and knowledge, we have, well…Jenny was the closest thing to being a responsible character we could find.”
Addressing the confusing and, at-times, flawed design of the graph covering sexual health and awareness, Mr. Young had a prepared statement.
“Look, it’s a new program, alright? We have a few kinks to work out.” Young at this time leaned into the microphone. “Pun intended.”
Young continued to explain alternative systems ready to be tested.
“We’ve considered a scale that relates your sexual knowledge and awareness of partners to your predictions on Gossip Girl, assessed, of course, prior to the reveal.”
Young offered pamphlets of other optional scenarios. “Another idea that’s being looked at is to have students binge-watch the entire series, then record and analyze mistakes our characters made when taking care of their sexualities and bodies.”
Closing the conference, Young took one final moment to address concerns and protests at corporate sponsorship and the potential negative impacts on campus and on students.
“A lot of people have called us out. Subtweeting, vagueblogging, saying that The CW is instituting a program that is esoteric, abstruse, and worse, morally bankrupt,”
Young then took a moment to read out printed statements from social media sites. “Well, I’ll just say one thing about this: that sort of vocabulary is outside of The CW’s target-demographic, and as such, we have no comment at this time.”
Following this closing remark, Representative Young shouted “Young out!” to the remaining crowd and dropped the mic, breaking it.