Troubling news broke last week out of a friend group of arts and science students. Sources say that someone told John, one of the friends, about Marxism, specifically breaking a blood pact that the other members of the group made freshman year.
The members of the friend group, who call themselves “The Infinite Jesters,” met early freshman year. The group consists of five guys and one girl, Jessica, who the guys clearly don’t have a crush on or anything.
Second semester freshman year, the group identified one of their members, one John Capital, as particularly in danger of being seduced by the ideas of Marxism. Not wanting their good friend John to become “that guy,” the group made a blood pact to do everything in their power to protect John from the radically attractive ideology.
The group would hijack John’s textbooks at the beginning of every semester and rip out any pages with references to Marx. They would quickly remove John from any situation they thought might lead to discussion about Marxism. They even hired a computer science major to put a virus on his computer which blocked any web pages that contained references to Marx or Marxism.
The plan worked flawlessly for two years. However, last week Capital posted a Marxist meme in the group’s group chat. Within seconds the group’s other group chat that they used when they needed to talk about Capital without him knowing, called Sans John, blew up with finger pointing and accusations.
“I just can’t believe someone would undermine our group like that,” said Jessica in an interview. “We worked really hard to keep John from becoming a douche… and now…” She trailed off.
Sources say John hasn’t stopped talking about Marx since Tuesday. He even went so far as to make his own Marxist meme which he posted in multiple group chats. It was a picture of Kanye West with an x through his face and the words “Down with the bourgeou-Ye!” written under it.
At press time nobody has confessed to exposing Capital to Marxism.
