Okay, but which religion is right?

First-year student getting confused as to which campus ministry group they need to join to avoid eternal damnation.

Picture this: walking by yourself, minding your own goddamn business, trying to walk to the Allen Chapman Student Union when suddenly, a saint appears. This delegate of all that is holy pronounces: “Do you want the smallest possible sample of Gatorade? And also, the Lord?” I, for one, have had this experience many times, and whether it is a person with a “free conversation” sign, or a person trying to exchange energy drinks for a moment of your time, one question always arises: which group do I need to join to avoid an afterlife of endless suffering?

To investigate this, I interviewed a first-year student who wished to remain anonymous for fear of divine judgment. Let us call them Jeb.

Jeb, a virgin, untouched by sin, with a Rice Purity score over 90, started college in these strange times to educate himself, not academically per se, but spiritually, as we all strive to do. They were, however, struck by the sheer number of different denominations, religions and cults on campus (looking at you, two-step club). They dejectedly admitted, “I can’t remember if my Peer Mentor told me BCM, Wesley, the Newman Center, RUF or which of the other numerous religious groups is the one road to salvation. I know she told me, but surely it is written down somewhere in the student handbook they gave out at matriculation or something.”

The various rivalries and crusades between the different groups make it even more challenging to determine which sect holds the most truth. Jeb recounts, “to make matters more confusing, every single campus ministry group has varying opinions on all the other groups. One time a man from RUF told me that he wasn’t sure about those Catholics, but those bastards in BCM are definitely going straight to hell.” Later, when Jeb was trying to eat by themself in ACSU, a representative from BCM explained to them, “as long as you eat at Chick-fil-A, you are pure in the eyes of the lord.” Understandably, this has led to much confusion to many first-year students, not just our beloved (in a platonic way) Jeb.

How can we, as an esteemed Baptist university (wait, which denomination are we again?), truly take our motto of “be fruitful and multiply” seriously? As an administrator who definitely reads this paper, you might be asking: “what could be done to solve this problem?” Well, I will tell you. You have two options. One: make sure every single student knows they will be going to hell regardless of religious affiliation because they are attending a private university. Two: mandate Mormonism. I will not elaborate on the latter of the solutions.

As your resident Autotheistic Atheist, I can only really end this by saying there is no way to know who is right, except the Catholics. They are definitely right.

Post Author: Kyle Garrison