Behold! He is returned. The trumpets hath sounded!
Tulsa, OK—We’ve experienced some hectic weather these past couple of weeks, from chilly 20s to comforting 60s, and although not quite the snow that many of us were hoping for, we have experienced a fun meteorological phenomenon instead: Oral Roberts, renowned televangelist and founder of Oral Roberts University (no relation*), returned from the grave riding a leaden chariot amidst a plague of locusts. In what seems to be a blatant offense to all things holy, Roberts has made a Faustian deal with Abaddon, angel of the abyss, to return from Hell for the duration of one week and have at his command a swarm of locusts large enough to be detected via radar. And his goal? To make sure local Chick-Fil-A’s are upholding “good Christian values.” When pressed for comment on his guidelines as for what exactly constituted “good Christian values,” he presented the following manifesto:
1. All Chick-fil-a shifts must begin with a word led by the prayer captain, elected based on church history and a lack of homosexual traits or qualities, including having piercings or being from the “state” of California
2. All chickens must be exsanguinated prior to processing as detailed in Leviticus 17:13-14
3. All employees must fit within modesty standards, subject to judgment from the prayer captain
4. All employees should consecrate themselves before the product, being chaste in all carnal pursuits and desires
5. All those who do good to the least of men shall be blessed by God. All those who steal from the least of men shall be blessed by capitalism
6. Thou shalt not lie, unless it is to the IRS regarding charitable donations
7. Ten percent of all profits shall go toward charities promoting good Christian values
8. An additional ten percent of all profits shall go toward the Oral Roberts Foundation for Promoting Good Christian Values
He followed this up with the statement that any and all franchises not meeting these standards shall be ravaged by a blight of locusts. To demonstrate, he had the locusts, who notably all had human hair, ravage the “sinful” (one worker had, to my knowledge, a tattoo of a cross) ORU Chick-Fil-A. Suddenly, a dreadful noise, akin to the roaring of a ferocious beast, indeed, rang through the air, as the locusts so smote the establishment that not even a stone of the foundation remained unblemished. When asked for comment on any other plans Roberts had while he was back in the land of the living, he said that one thing he was looking forward to was listening to his favorite band, the Village People. “I often sit down in Hell and ponder the state of the world. I think that if more people listened to YMCA and embraced the strong conservative values pounded into the lyrics, there’d be less evil in the world.” He then proceeded to blast the sermon channel from an old radio on the chariot as he took off amidst a humdrum of buzzing and calls for donations.
*see why fact checkers mark this as false
