The other week I encountered an ebook on Amazon called Oregon Patriots Occupied My Butt. I read the title and bought it instantly (because one-click ordering is a dangerous thing). For a minute, I thought I might have charged it to my parents’ credit card, and I was very worried. But I did not, so it was fine.
At the point that I bought it, it was $0.99 but now it is going for $2.99, so demand must be high, as it should be, because I can only describe this book as a work of genius.
It is five pages long (so like a novellellella). Before I read it, I read the author’s biography, which stated that he is from Canada, and just read about the Oregon situation and “found it very erotic”. Because who didn’t?
The gist of the story is that a guy who might be Captain America(?) but gets called Cap, wants to go hangout with the Oregon terrorists to explore his masculinity and sexuality. He knows that he is, on some level, attracted to men, and this just seems like the perfect opportunity to look into that.
He meets several members of the militia – including Aimon, who is the leader, and Garnth whose name is really fucking stupid.
They tell him that they like being there because they have a lot of beef jerky, but they do not like being there because they do not have any women. So they have started literally fucking their guns.
Cap gets noticeably turned on watching them, so they decide that he must be gay, which they think is really bad. They want to figure out if anyone else is gay, so everyone has sex with everyone else. By the end, they have all learned to respect each other’s sexualities.
It is very funny, and has an uncomfortably beautiful message about the importance of respecting people who are different from you. You should come for the gun-fucking, and stay for the message about diversity. Also it will take you ten minutes to read.
To quote Steven Schwartz’s lyrics for Glinda in the Broadway musical Wicked, “Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better…I have been changed for good.”
I do not know if my life is better because of this book, but it has certainly allowed me to see problematic American attitudes toward liberty, freedom, and guns as far more sexual. I cannot think of any idea more American than literally putting penises into vagina guns, so really this book is exceptionally patriotic.
Overall, I would give it 3 vagina guns out of 5. It is definitely a classic work of literature, written by a Canadian, about American politics, because he thought it was erotic – but it is also very short, and probably not worth $2.99. If it were still $0.99 I would definitely highly recommend you purchase it for yourself – but it is around three times that. And if proportions work the way I think they do, I would need to rate it 15 vagina guns out of 5 for it to be worth that price.