Broke Editor-in-Chief, 20’s, needs intelligent chauffeur who “knows their way around.” Interests include the 2002 version of “The Count of Monte Cristo,” dressing up as Steve Harvey in her personal time (bald cap and everything) and cooking recipes from her grandmother’s age-old cookbook. Lives in the collaborative room of McFarlin Library, where you may hear her shamelessly taking calls. Enjoys a nutritious diet of bread and beer every morning. Creepily talks in her sleep.
Wanted: Literally anyone who owns a car and knows how to drive it. Has a prior engagement at 5:30 p.m. on Sundays which would require said Editor-in-Chief to call upon you before you become “unavailable” to drive her home. Enjoys getting paid in good conversation and laughs. Must pay for your own gas. Must pay for her QT taquitos.
Editor-in-Chief knows nothing of this; this is her staff and we really want her to stop keeping us in the office until 9:32 p.m. every night. Please for the love of God, make it stop. I miss my family dearly and cannot stay here every single night.
If anyone applies to this position you will immediately be hired upon meeting the requirements. Your safety and personal well-being are not guaranteed.
