The Chinatown Pizza Hut will cater to lovers of fish ‘n’ cheese combos. graphic by Sarah Le

Pizza Hut to replace all campus dining options

Due to health concerns and a lettuce foot fungus incident, TU closes almost all its restaurants.

Last week, a photo went viral depicting a Baja Jacks employee at TU standing barefoot in a bin of shredded lettuce while simultaneously preparing tacos. Yuck: the last thing you’d want in your Baja Jacks tacos is somebody’s foot fungus.

The image caused concern amongst not only Baja Jacks regulars, but all diners on TU campus. Everyone began to ask themselves, “How do I know that someone didn’t do something nasty with their toes to the food I just ordered?”

These concerns came to a head at the TU Health and Wellness Fair that took place this Monday. No food was to be served that day in the Union or anywhere else on campus.

Those outraged by the Baja Jacks foot lettuce incident demanded immediate action but were divided on what was to be done. After much bickering, they eventually decided that the best course of action was to create a poll.

For some reason, the ConnectTU app hasn’t died yet (please, just die already), and someone had the genius idea to post the poll onto the app. Voters would need to download the ConnectTU app in order to cast their vote.

The poll featured four options to address the incident:

1. Fire the Baja Jacks employee.

2. Schedule a mandatory health and safety review for all food service workers on campus.

3. Throw the bin of shredded lettuce away and move on with life.

4. Other (please explain).

When the poll closed, there was only one vote cast. The sole voter, “Mike Pence,” voted “other” and proposed the idea of “literally replac[ing] everything with Pizza Hut lmaooo xD.”

The people have spoken.

The proposal was signed into effect by admins as soon as the poll ended: all dining options on campus are to be replaced by Pizza Hut. However, Pizza Hut will alter and expand its menu to pay respect to the angry ghosts of the dining options it will replace. For example, the Star Ginger and Sushi Blu will merge together to form “Chinatown Pizza Hut” and will serve Asian pizzas from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.; coffee pizzas will be served from 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. in memory of Einstein Bros. Bagels. At the Caf, there will be pizza all day, baby.

A wide selection of salad pizzas, pasta pizzas, chicken sandwich pizzas and more will meet everyone’s tastes and needs. All of the “Simply to Go” items will be replaced by Bagel Bites and Pizza Rolls. The Hut will be the only dining facility not to transform into a Pizza Hut, but rather a miniature Pizza Hut corporate headquarters.

The Pizza Hut takeover is not only eradicating the risk of eating foot fungus-laced tacos, but also improving mental and physical health on campus. A coordinator of the TU Health and Wellness Fair commented, “You won’t need to waste time deciding what to eat for lunch because it’s already been decided for you, therefore improving your productivity and mental health. Plus, when you bake pizzas, it like, kills germs and stuff, so the pizzas are good for your physical health. I know my science.”

Although the overall enrollment of international students at TU is dropping, the enrollment of students from Italy is expected to plummet drastically due to these changes. Pizza Hut’s next goal will be to take over the TU Mail Services office and bake everyone’s mail and packages into pizzas before delivering them. Currently, the purpose of this is not known but should be feared.

Post Author: Sarah Le