By Patrick Creedon
The official Student Investment Fund has started up again for the year.
It offers students in the University of Tulsa’s Bloomberg Top 50 Collins College of Business the chance to manage a real investment fund which contains real money which is sure to have very real consequences.
Dr. Mona Poli of the Management Program offered, “It really gives our students a leg up in the real world to manage actual investment opportunities. We can’t expect our students to succeed if we don’t give them chances to royally mess up now.”
Dr. Poli did not comment as to whether the rumors that students were purposefully trying to engineer another economic bubble through the financial derivatives market were true.
She instead responded, “Our students have the highest gross pay of all students coming out of Oklahoma colleges and are in the top five for all southern colleges and universities.”
She went on to outline the reasons why TU’s business students are so successful. The classes that proved to be the most effective, as determined by rigorous econometric analysis, were those that put students in market relevant situations.
Junior Marketing major Ruth Less avowed, “My favorite class so far is MKT 3283: Back Boardroom Analysis. I would never have known how to divide cocaine between me and six other CEOs without it. It also taught me who the most important person in any organization I might work for is—the investor. I now know how to properly subjugate my workers!”
It was later found that the money in the Student Investment Fund was culled, not from donations as had been implied earlier, but from Arts and Sciences students’ tuition.
Representatives of the Collins College say that it gives Fund members a sense of real urgency in making good investment decisions. When asked for his thoughts about the misappropriation of his money, sophomore art history student Phil Sopher implored, “I don’t know, man. How does one even job? I put on my job clothes and go to the job building.”
Sopher then proceeded to move his arms in a locked motion, similar to how one would perform the Robot. According to experts, this gesture was meant to suggest that working in businesses makes one into a robotic slave.