By Fraser Kastner
In the spirit of improving the university, I have taken it upon myself to put together several new and improved uniforms for our football team. That being said, I know nothing about football uniforms. As near as I can tell, the design process involves incorporating various symbols associated with a school or region into a base uniform perfected for aerodynamics and weight. Or something. I should also mention that I only have a very dim idea about what our current uniforms look like. This new design calls for ingenuity, thinking-outside-the-box type stuff, which is why I, who knows nothing about football, feel compelled to pitch in.
Here are some of my ideas:
Uniforms are entirely black. This represents oil, which built the city of Tulsa and has strong ties with our university. As a double metaphor, oil represents money, which the Athletic department is very good at spending.
These uniforms will be modeled on Aztec Jaguar Warriors. Instead of a traditional uniform, our players will wear armour invoking TU’s power animal, the Golden Retriever. Imagine a starting lineup of fierce/cuddly warriors staring down our enemies. This is the ultimate psychological weapon against any foe, as long as that foe is not bigger than a capybara.
This uniform will be similar to our current design, only incorporating more Nike logos. The team name will be replaced with NIKE, and the players’ names will be replaced with JUST DO IT. Players’ numbers will be signified by varying numbers of Nike logos, thus fulfilling our contractually obligated brand loyalty.
ROCK You like a Hurricane
Players’ uniforms will have sacks of rocks sewn onto the hem of the jersey. In addition to this, the players’ shoes will be filled with a base of gravel. While this design will likely inhibit the players’ motion, at least they can use this as an excuse for playing so poorly.