By Jesse Keipp
On April 15, the St. Louis Rams offered $100,000 to anyone who could correctly guess the team’s entire regular season schedule. Of course, my first thought was, “Hey, I’d like to move on and forget my terrible March Madness bracket. Just maybe I’ll get lucky this time!”
But then the reality hit me harder than sobriety hits a gambling addict, because the promotion stipulates that you must guess the correct opponents for each week AND the bye week AND the day of the week for each game. And, boy, does the NFL love its Thursday night games.
Photo courtesy NHL/Fox Sports. Coach Q just cost you, the American tax payer, $25k. Yep, the IRS considers these fines tax deductible.
So I’m going to be the first to tell you: the Rams are a tease. They’ve given me hope every single year for over a decade, yet I still pine for the sweet aroma of playoff football. This contest is no different; your dreams will be crushed. But I, a desperate lover, will inevitably crawl back to them. And despite my better judgment, I’ll enter the contest. So I write this for your sake: get out while you still can!
The Los Angeles Clippers’ Blake Griffin, known for his flopping and Academy-Award-worthy acting in Kia commercials, found yet another opportunity to employ his dramatic skills in the first playoff game against the Golden State Warriors. After fouling out, Griffin was anything but neighborly to his in-state comrades when he decided to get back at an especially vocal Warriors fan. Griffin “accidentally” dumped his cup of water on the fan while watching the replay of his final foul. However, it doesn’t take a Juilliard professor to notice that Griffin’s acting needed some work. As it stands, Griffin’s capability is a notch below Shaquille O’Neal’s in Kazaam. Maybe Michael Jordan could lend a hand?
In another NBA playoff contest, the shot clock ceased functioning during the third quarter of the Raptors-Nets matchup. After failing to install temporary shot clocks, the Raptors resorted to a PA countdown, which concluded with the announcer saying “horn” when the clock expired.
I would’ve enjoyed the countdown, perhaps even joining in myself, while pretending to be in a spaceship, but the incident isn’t the best PR for the Raptors, who made the playoffs for the first time since 2008. And it doesn’t exactly help that the Raptors GM Masai Ujiri uninhibitedly proclaimed, “F*** Brooklyn!” at a recent fan rally. Didn’t his mother teach him that, if he didn’t have anything nice to say, he shouldn’t say anything at all?
In the first game of the playoff series between the Chicago Blackhawks and St. Louis Blues, unstoppable rage enveloped Blackhawks head coach Joel Quenneville after a non-call. In a blind fury, to properly convey the gravity of the situation to the officials, Quenneville grabbed his crotch, which later resulted in a $25,000 fine. It doesn’t even cost that much to have someone else grab your crotch!
Quenneville later apologized, calling the gesture “Bush league,” a comment which Quenneville didn’t fully consider before saying.
The NCAA finally approved unlimited meals for student athletes, which is great news for athletes and even greater news for moochers. In a totally unrelated note, I’m seeking student athletes as friends. I enjoy long walks along Riverside, watching the sun set on the Old U, and I tell lots of jokes, some of which are funny.
Thanks for reading this year. If you enjoy the column, spread the word. And I’ll see you in the fall!