Potential graduates to do battle in gladiator-style arena

For years the University of Tulsa has maintained a troublesome secret graduation requirement: survive. The existence of this requirement, called the “Golden OpporTUnities Advancement Course”, was revealed last week by one University of Tulsa graduate whose name has been redacted out of concern for their safety.

“I just couldn’t be silent any more,” the alumnus said in a tearful interview with State-Run reporters, “not after what I saw. Not after what I did.”

Based off this former student’s reports, it appears that TU’s absurdly high job placement rate has been artificially fixed by the administration. Every year for nearly a decade the University has invited representatives from large companies to a Hunger Games-esque free-for-all Death Game. Those who survived graduated, and were all but guaranteed a career in their field.

“North campus was a bloodbath,” said our anonymous source, “Roommates had to kill each other, those were the rules. The chemistry students, they snuck in stuff to make improvised explosives. We just had to keep going until there was only one philosophy major left.”

Through angry tears, our anonymous source accused the University of once again unabashedly favoring the petroleum engineers. “They knew where everything was,” quivered the graduate, staring blankly into a cup of tea provided by the interviewer. “North Campus was their turf. They owned it. And the companies just kept raining down favors for them. I made it out thanks to my psychology major,” the student paused, a look coming upon their face like that of a war-grizzled veteran, “Thankfully my classes taught me how people think. Not all majors were so lucky.”

As a result of building pressure from human rights advocates, the university has reportedly begun work to make the games more fair. According to a university spokesperson, this year they have purchased an abandoned warehouse in north Tulsa in order to provide a more fair playing field. Yet some believe the move can be explained by the sudden drop in demand for petroleum engineers, as well as an over-abundance of potential graduates.

“Look, life is one big death game anyway,” said Orpah Picket, dean of pre-graduate affairs, “The job market doubly so.” Picket has been in charge of the rite since its creation 10 years ago as part of TU’s push to become a top national school. “We’re actually alleviating a lot of pain and suffering by compressing down a lifetime’s worth of rat-races and back-stabbing into ten, maybe twelve hours.”

“The winners,” Picket made sure to point out, “are some of the most successful and happy people in the country. They appreciate life more than anyone I know. Everyone says they are the most dedicated, hard working, intelligent, successful people they’ve ever hired. Just like TU students should be.”

Picket scoffed at the idea of discontinuing the ritual graduation bloodbath. “We’d only do that,” Picket says, “if we could find something that might be just as, or more, effective than the current system. And while selling brainwashed and systematically programmed graduate-units might appear to be an attractive option, the tests we’re doing on campus show it to be inferior.”

In response to the unveiled secret requirement, Career Services will now be offering survival courses to seniors as well as mock deathbattles during the semesterly job fairs. TU administration has begun looking for sponsors for this year’s Advancement Course and is also considering selling tickets for the event.

Post Author: tucollegian

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