Although she’s only been in power a week, Levit is already making sweeping changes.
It was announced two weeks ago that President Gerard Cl*ncy would be resigning from office and that Provost Janet Levit was taking over as Interim President. Now that Levit has achieved her final form of Supreme Interim Ruler (SIR for short), she has been hard at work making changes left and right.
SIR Levit could be seen this week running around campus using a censor button to bleep out anyone saying Cl*ncy’s name. When asked why she was doing this, Levit responded, “We must look to the future of our great super college, and not to the past budget cuts that we will definitely continue to make.”
I recently had a witness, who shall remain nameless for their safety, come forward with information about what Levit had been planning. The witness said, “I was walking by Sharp Chapel after my lab one night and saw Levit nailing something to the door. This seemed strange, so I hid behind a bush with the campus cats until she left.” (We have not been able to get in touch with the campus cats to corroborate this story.)
“She proudly strode away with the hammer over her shoulder like she was Paul Bunyan and had just chopped down 1000 trees. I waited a few minutes, in case she came back, before walking up to the door to see what she had nailed there.
At the top it read, “SIR Levit’s 95 Executive Orders.” At the bottom, it said, “If you have any comments, questions or concerns, you may come to [Levit’s] office hours in Chapman Lecture Hall on February 6 from 1:30 p.m. to 1:30 p.m.”
I was able to attain the top half of the first page, but it had major water damage from the epic snowstorm on Wednesday. Listed below are the portions I was able to decipher:
1. Censor any mention of the old president who shall not be named.
2. Levit shall herein only be referred to as Supreme Overlord.
3. All students shall drop their majors in favor of the super-duper major, lawyer.
5. Thou shalt not gossip about the Supreme Overlord behind her back under penalty of death.
The hunt is still on to find the other 90 Executive Orders. Our best investigative reporters also managed to get into Levit’s office hours through a wormhole to the Twilight Zone, but did not have enough time to ask any questions. They will try again during her next office hours on Feb. 30 from 1:30 p.m. to 1:28 p.m, which won’t actually be announced until the day of at 1:32 p.m.
This is an ongoing investigation, so we encourage students and faculty to share any and all information they have.