President raises tuition from yacht

President Upham, who has had a total annual compensation of over one million dollars since at least 2008, recently announced an increase in tuition for all students while standing on the deck of his yacht, currently anchored on the Arkansas River.

“This represents a great step forward for the university,” said a spokeswoman for Upham. “We believe that, by charging more, we can create a positive learning environment for students.”

This is just the latest in a series of annual tuition increases, with an average price increase of over one thousand dollars per year. Meanwhile, in a show of solidarity with students unable to graduate due to the rising expense, Upham’s own annual compensation has decreased from his initial pay of $1.485 million to a meager $1.355 million. Insider sources have indicated that this year, instead of buying a Rolls-Royce as per tradition, he purchased a brand new Range Rover to cut costs.

Despite this reporter’s best efforts, the State-Run Media was unfortunately unable to get a statement from Upham. Even after evading the guard dogs patrolling the bank of the river, the sides of the yacht were too slippery to climb due to decorative gold plating.

“I think this is a good development for the university,” said Sid Crumble, a junior Energy Management major. “The university would only charge what they actually need to, right? And we’ve had a lot of improvements on campus in the last few years. I mean, we got a drone, right? So the advertisements are a lot cooler now.”

Some students aren’t so sure. Mandy Wu, an undecided senior, says that she is having trouble paying for her education. “I’m not really sure that this is a good idea. I mean, besides the buildings getting a little nicer, I don’t see any of the money I’m paying going into my education. I just wish I knew what we were using all of this money for.”

Upham’s spokeswoman assured us that, even as a private university which had no legal obligation to share financial information, the University of Tulsa was committed to full transparency. However, when asking where students could find information on how their considerable tuition was being used, this reporter found she had already escaped through a nearby window.

Post Author: tucollegian

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