Primary elections identify Zodiac Killer

If you’ve been following politics at all, you’re aware that last week was Super Tuesday. If you’re like me, you were greatly disappointed to discover that it did not involve Clark Kent finally revealing his secret identity to the world, but rather it was just part of a mundane process testing how well Oklahomans can fill in little rectangles on a piece of paper. The answer, as usual, was not very well. Now, I usually wouldn’t waste time talking about such boring things as “political process” and “representative government,” but there was juicy drama in this Super Tuesday.

Apparently, a sizable majority of Oklahomans thought that the vote was for who they thought the Zodiac killer was, not who should be the next President of the United States.

Now I was ready to spend the next thousand words poking fun at these people, until I stole a ballot to took a look at it myself. Once I saw those where were running, I instantly understood the confusion. I don’t think any rational person could look at people such as Ben Carson, Donald Trump, and Hillary Clinton, and conclude that these are presidential candidates, not the possible identity of the notorious Zodiac Killer, who claimed to have killed as many as 37 people between 1966 and 1970.

Which one of these presidential candidates looks most like the infamous Zodiac Killer?

Which one of these presidential candidates looks most like the infamous Zodiac Killer?

Now as I understand it, usually the winner of each side’s primary goes on to run for president, but honestly, I’m with Oklahoma on this one. I just don’t understand how the election can’t revolve around identifying the Zodiac Killer.

I could talk about the strengths and drawbacks of each candidate, such as their whereabouts on those fateful nights when the murders occurred, access to murder weapons, and psychological profiles, but I would to focus on just one candidate for the position, Ted Cruz.

Cruz, who won Oklahoma and a couple other states I don’t really care about on Super Tuesday, went on to win a couple more states I didn’t bother to look up this Saturday. And honestly, I can see why. Cruz has perfected the art of looking and sounding creepy at all times, no matter what he’s saying or doing. He mysteriously has not been accounted for when each murder occurs. The evidence continually mounts against Cruz and, although Trump took an early lead for his obvious unstable nature, I wouldn’t rule out Cruz just yet.

And in any case, it looks as if whoever the Republicans decide on, he will have to beat Hillary Clinton, who may soon add “Zodiac Killer” to her long brag sheet of scandals she’s been involved in. It should prove to be an exciting election in November, as the truth doesn’t matter, only the votes of poorly-informed citizens.

Post Author: tucollegian

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