Ronaldo eats Mbappe's energy as Greivious struts around. graphic by Conner Maggio

Professional sports crystal ball, September edition

Student writers Andrew Noland and Chris Lierly, Sports Editor Brennen Gray and Editor-in-Chief Justin Guglielmetti give their predictions for the coming months in professional sports.

NHL Season Kicks Off with a Bang
Holy zamboni, it’s almost hockey season! I know most sports fans in Oklahoma don’t really keep up with the slipperiest sport this side of curling and Greco-Roman wrestling, but the competition is sure to be heated in 2018-19. Fresh off their hard-fought Flat Stanley cup win last year, the Pittsburgh Penguins will bring back most of their vaunted starting lineup, including center Dmitri Petrenko, weapons specialist Viktor Reznov and right stereotype Wladimir Russianivic. Still, devilishly good-looking head coach Justin Trudeau will have have his hands full with the Penguins’ biggest rivals, the Philadelphia Flyers, whose young core of Pyotr Popov, Siergei Svedka and Greyus Goosovic will be joined by the biggest free-agent signee in history: Sidney “the General” Grievous.

As Mbappe Moves to Accept Ballon D’Or, Ronaldo Drains His Life Force

I know this isn’t necessarily a bold prediction, considering that’s what he must have been doing to Modric for the past decade. But he needs a sprightly replacement, and with all the talk of the French prodigy already overcoming the obstacles that have plagued both Messi and Ronaldo’s legacies, Ronaldo will seek to end the debate once and for all in his favor by absorbing the youthful vitality that courses through Mbappe’s body. While it will be disturbing to watch during the ceremony, we all know we won’t be looking away as Ronaldo dismantles his opponents on the pitch for years to come.

For the last couple years, the Western Conference side of the NBA playoff bracket has been a gauntlet of death for the conference champ, and the East has been a cakewalk for whatever team LeBron chooses to lose with in the finals in that given year. With the King moving to LA this summer the time has finally come for Wexit set to occur just before the preseason at the end of September. With only Toronto, Boston and Philadelphia as real contenders, the West will break away from the East to form the WNBA (Western National Basketball Association).

Browns Win a Game
So here is how it all goes down. Steelers vs. Browns. Tyrod Taylor gets hit one too many times and is out with an injury. Baker Mayfield takes over in the third quarter right after a Tostitos ad. Mayfield is mistaken for a freshman in college, and the D-line rushes after everyone else. Mayfield seizes the opportunity of zero pressure in the pocket to wave off his three wide open receivers and scramble for the first down. Mayfield keeps runnin’ like he stole something until the ol’ black and yellow gets wise to the deception. Browns owners Jimmy and Dee Haslam have been hard at work in the off-season on their long-distance throws to prepare to throw Head Coach Hue Jackson under the bus. So they throw Jackson under the entire Steelers defense. Steelers coach Mike Tomlin figures out that it is not a preseason game and gets on the field himself to truck some Browns, bringing his starters on the field with him. In the confusion, Mayfield ends up in the endzone and then runs down the field acting like he scored the TD all by himself. The score is now 6-42. Tomlin throws in the Terrible Towel out of embarrassment for letting the Browns score.

Neither Red Sox Nor Cubs Win World Series
Despite waltzing into the postseason with all the Big Dick Energy of a post-Ariana Grande Pete Davidson, the Boston Red Sox lose in unceremonious fashion to the New York Yankees in the ALCS. Sox fans everywhere bemoan their team’s lack of success, adopting the “lovable loser” angle and embracing their team’s historic record of failure, all the while ignoring their three World Series rings in the 21st century. Meanwhile, the Chicago Cubs fail to make it out of the first round, prompting some Bleacher Bums to question whether their team will ever win a championship in their lifetime. Upon being reminded that the Cubbies won it all two years ago, the fans break down in a massive existential identity crisis, briefly considering moving to the South Side before remembering, lol, it’s the White Sox down there. Two weeks later, Yankees fans seem remarkably perturbed at the Bombers’ 28th title, complaining it had been “a whole nine years” since the last one.

Melo Sinks the Rockets
While many people think that Carmelo Anthony will be a drain on funds for the Houston franchise, James Harden and his gang do not need their franchise to shovel piles of burning money into a deep hole to pay Melo’s salary, considering how useless he was on the Thunder. But get this: Melo will literally sink the team. He plans to pile every last Rocket on his yacht and pull a Titanic faster than you can say, “Draw me like one of your French players, Coach Pop.”

Post Author: Andrew Noland