Last week, while billions were watching their TVs, computers, or mobile devices a strange broadcast cut in all over the earth. The interruption opened with a large reptilian humanoid standing against a dark grey background. The reptilian began speaking in a weird hissing language. A few seconds into the broadcast the humanoid seemed to realize that it could not be understood by its audience. It went off screen for a few seconds then returned and began speaking, apparently, in the native language of whoever was watching.
The creature confirmed many of the beliefs that the informed public has had for years, namely that there is a race of lizard people who live in the hollowed out center of the moon and control almost every aspect of our everyday lives. The broadcast confirmed that almost all of the world’s most powerful people are actually lizard people in disguise. Obama, Tony Abbott, Bill and Hillary Clinton, the entire Bush family, and Rob Ford were just some of the names the creature listed.
This unsurprising and, quite frankly, melodramatic “reveal” was not the heart of the creature’s message. In a stunning turn of events the creature stated that Donald Trump was NOT a Reptilian Humanoid and had no affiliation with the lizard people whatsoever.
Ever since he announced his play to run for president, experts have claimed that Trump was a lizard person. His money, power, and demeanor all pointed to him really being an 8 foot humanoid with scales and a tail. Some even went so far as to claim he is the leader of the Reptilians, and that his campaign marked the final step in their plan for world domination.
“The broadcast threw a wrench in almost everyone’s theories,” stated Dr. Holfman, a PhD in malevolent alien races. “It completely changes our perception of both Mr. Trump and the Reptilians.”
The creature went on to criticize Trump’s platform, calling his political ideas “extreme and illogical.” He described Mr. Trump as a “xenophobic nitwit,” and claimed his hair was “a sentient beast even more malicious than we are.”
Speaking for a moment not as a reporter, but as a person, it did not occur to this reporter before learning this information how much comfort was felt in believing Donald Trump was a lizard person. It put a sort of comfortable distance between him and the average person. But now that it’s been undeniably confirmed that Donald Trump is not a 8 foot scaly humanoid reptile, but rather a human being just like us… this reporter is terrified.