Pssh, who said it was difficult to get students to come to RA events? graphic by Sarah Le

Resident Assistant bravely disposes of confiscated alcohol and you’re all invited!

“I gotta get rid of all this contraband somehow! Come help me out!”

As an RA, one of my many magisterial duties to ensure my residents are keeping their rooms free of sin. On my room check rounds, I routinely purge dorms of toasters, 20.5-gallon fish tanks and other contraband. Despite the fact that I’m too young to drink alcohol, I can sense its presence (it’s some sort of sixth-sense) and will confiscate it if you’re not supposed to have it.

You have to show me your ID when I come to your room so I can verify your age. I can show you mine too so you can laugh at the fact that I’m under 21 and my ID is still vertically oriented, but at the end of the day, as your RA, you have to bow down to me.

But if I do end up confiscating your alcohol, you can’t tell anybody. I’m not allowed to have it either. As I can’t drink it all by myself without ending up with a hangover or having my stomach pumped and I’d really hate to throw it away, I’ve decided to throw a giant party to bravely dispose of the accursed liquid, and you’re invited!

It’s all going down tonight in the Lottie basement. We’re going to have 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 cases on the floor and it’s all got to go. Bring your friends and your designated drivers. We’re going to get CRUNK! Again, all of this alcohol needs to be gone by tonight and you’re all going to help make it happen!

There will be activities for everybody! It won’t just be rampant drinking like what I saw in your room last weekend. You can help get rid of the alcohol by drinking it but we’re also going to have kid-friendly alcohol activities available. I bought a plastic kid-sized pool from Target perfect for dumping liquor bottles in. We’re going to learn how to flambé chicken nuggets in the plastic pool while watching Gordon Ramsay do it on YouTube.

As an RA-sponsored event happening in Lottie, we will also be learning about feminism and discussing the perceived stigmas of drinking alcohol attributed towards women but not men. Girls, don’t be ashamed to drink. We will have free manicures and facials along with all of the free alcohol!

Oh! There are people arriving already! The party isn’t supposed to start until 8 p.m., but since they’re a few hours early then maybe they can help me set up. This is going to be the best party ever. I’m finally going to be a cool kid by throwing a party and having all the popular guys and cute girls show up.
Good evening, welcome to my Confiscated Alcohol Disposal Bonanza! Congrats on being the first one here. Wow, you look a little older than the average college student, but that’s fine because this party is open to anyone!

Huh, is that an “OSU Graduate 1991” T-shirt? Haha cool, I love vintage clothes, too. Before you head towards the alcohol consumption fun zone, can I see your ID?

Ooh, birth year is 1969? Obviously, you’re old enough to drink, haha, so come on in! Plenty of things to do but I’m still setting things up, so help yourself to the beers and vodkas in the corner.

Oh, gee . . . there’s a lot of you guys already here. Hey, nice “Reagan 1984” T-shirt! You guys are all pretty big into vintage and just . . . big and vintage in general, haha. How did you all hear about this party? Uh. C-come on in! The party is just getting started . . . haha . . .

Post Author: Sarah Le