Science discovers first human being ever that enjoys plain Greek yogurt

There’s been yet another exciting development in the Greek and yogurt communities this past week, as scientists have discovered the very first human supporter of plain Greek yogurt.
We met up with the head of the Dannon Oikos research team, John Stamos, who actually made the discovery himself during a field experiment.
“We were just out on the streets, asking passers-by to try some of our new Dannon Oikos Fruit-on-the-Outside Greek yogurts. They’re basically just plain Greek yogurt but the containers are lathered in that liquidy fruit jelly stuff that usually goes on the bottom. It was my idea. Anyway this one guy, who totally looked like some sort of Elvis Presley impersonator, was just like ‘gross what the heck, can I just wipe this stuff off and eat it plain?’ This of course spurred a great amount of laughter from me and my crew, but after several minutes we realized he was serious. He just started eating it plain, I swear. We have it all on camera, he finished the whole thing without even flinching. It was the most beautiful and disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. Just like when I saw the live birth of my three nieces, DJ, Stephanie and Michelle Tanner.”
With that information, the next step clearly was to get ahold of this freak. “I don’t know what the big deal is, it’s just yogurt.” After a number of calls and emails, we were finally able to reach him. The man is a musician and nightclub owner named Jesse Katsopolis. “Do you really need to interview me? I just like plain Greek yogurt man.”
Katsopolis, guitar in hand, appeared to be on his way to perform at his club on the day of the incident. “Yeah I was just on my way to The Smash Club when some guy, who was totally either Rob Lowe or an old Josh Peck, and a camera crew just handed me some gooey yogurt cup and told me they’d give me 15 bucks if I ate it and said it was good. But like, I just wanted it plain ya know? I had to play with my band Jesse and The Rippers in like 20 minutes, I couldn’t be all sticky for that.”
And at that very moment, science proceeded to make one of the greatest discoveries of all time. Stamos and his team are working tirelessly to use this information in attempts to find more of these “mutants” and gather them together in a special school where a man in a wheelchair will teach them to harness their powers. But as for Katsopolis, he has been locked in a secret underground government research facility ever since.
“Please, I’ve been down here for six weeks and I just want to see my wife and sons. They’re two beautiful twins, only a year old. They need their father.” We are only able to communicate with Katsopolis via a secure phone line at this time.
“They’ve been testing me non-stop, poking, prodding, sticking. I’m locked in a white padded room where they blare sirens all night to keep me from sleeping. They only feed me specific, nutrient-balanced shredded grains, and the occasional plain Greek yogurt during tests. Please I have to get out of here, you have to hel-” The signal was suddenly interrupted at this point.
We assume Katsopolis is perfectly fine and excited about his position. With his help and months or probably years of work, this new experimental data will finally enable humanity to advance our understanding of Greek yogurt. And subsequently, the universe.

Post Author: Sam Harrell