Scientists discover immortality, but Trump tweeted something

In a momentous discovery earlier this week, a group of scientists at CERN have cracked the puzzle of immortality. The shocking research indicates a simple chemical compound can be used to stop the aging process in humans. The report of this discovery was displayed on the front page of the CNN website for 4 minutes and 27 seconds before Donald Trump tweeted the following:

Thank you Delaware County, Ohio! Remember- either we WIN this election, or we are going to LOSE this country! #DrainTheSwamp #TrumpPence16

Although there was nothing of particular note in this tweet, as it was just standard post-rally social media, CNN executives were in unanimous agreement that this tweet was more important to put on the front page than the scientists’ discovery.

“You know, I really felt bad for the scientists, taking the front page away from them,” an anonymous CNN staffer named Rick Yellman told the State-Run Media, “but they have to realize this is an election season. If they wanted more press attention, they should have considered discovering immortality some other time. We’ll be really hurting for stories for a couple weeks in late November.”

According to our sources, some higher-ups at CNN felt less remorse. After over 4 consecutive minutes without a political story, the situation was getting desperate. For them, Trump’s tweet came just in time, before they had to throw together a quick panel and electoral map, or maybe even a data visualization to cover the front page.

A press spokesperson told us the scientists “may get an extra minute or two up there, depending on how the rest of the day plays out.” At press time, however, Hillary Clinton has replied to the tweet, which likely has taken away any shot immortality had of reaching the front page. The spokesperson also said they plan to make immortality “a nice feature, maybe with a point-counterpoint” buried in the bunch of links on the side that nobody ever clicks on.

Post Author: tucollegian

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