Now THIS is content for the school newspaper! Alright! Hell yeah! graphic by Anna Johns

Seeing campus cats temporarily allows woman to forget about the microplastics shuttling in her ovaries

You get your fix, and I get mine. Mind your business.

A heartwarming tradition of the University of Tulsa is the care given to the campus cats. Those little scamps can be found dashing from bush to bush, determined by hell or high water to avoid any of us unworthy peons. Still, cat lovers and people who like to have fun feel their day momentarily brightened after a mere sighting of the cats. For local woman and junior elementary education major Amber Robinson, campus cats are an ephemeral distraction from the problems plaguing her day — and the microplastics present in her ovaries.

“Personally, I love seeing those little guys!” says Robinson. “Sometimes, I will study outside by the library just for a chance to spot one of the cats and briefly experience the sweet relief of being taken out of the prison that is my mind and now my body.”

Yes, girl! Relieve yourself from your burdens, queen!

In general, cat owners report multiple health benefits from taking care of their furry felines, such as the lowered risk of heart disease, a reduction of stress and anxiety and the distraction from the fucking drag it is to be a human person.

“Yeah, take the campus cat named Vanilla Bean for example,” Robinson explains. “If I saw that beautiful baby playing in the bushes or something, I’d be riding that dopamine boost so much that it would allow me to forget that I could develop polycystic ovarian syndrome at any given moment as a result of the unknown number of plastics that are undoubtedly living in my organs right now.”

Health-conscious and desperately seeking an escape! Let’s go, babes!

Fair warning: groups that advocate for the campus cats remind students that they should not pet nor feed these animals; these are feral cats, of course, and a distance between them and humans must be kept. However, these rules do not apply to voyeurs who simply live on the edge by watching those critters sprint around and hide in the shadows. Where else on campus can you get the same euphoric dissociation as you get making eye contact with a stray cat? It sure as fuck isn’t in Keplinger, and it definitely isn’t the Student Union at noon.

It’s time to celebrate the little things, like those feral cats darting about the McFarlin entrance who in their wisdom and light grant a weightlessness from the corporeal body. Who needs healthy organs when a cute little kitty could instead hiss at you for getting too close?

Post Author: Anna Johns