Sentient alien hair frontrunner for Republican presidential nomination

Donald Trump’s campaign abruptly ended when it was discovered that the man, Donald Trump, does not even exist, but is the alias and work of a complex parasite which strongly resembles a toupee.

The parasite appears to be in hot water as it is an illegal alien—not only to the US, but to the entire Milky Way.

The Collegian was able to schedule an exclusive interview with the figurehead behind the forehead.

“My real name,” the organism informed the paper, “is unpronounceable by the human tongue. It would physically pain you to hear it spoken aloud; reading my name would scar your eyes to blindness; it’s fine to feel in braille, but it causes migraines if you try to imagine it.”

When asked about Trump, the follicles responded, “Oh, him? He’s just a giant flesh puppet with a fake name I came up with. I go by Harold.”

Harold stated it had “no comment” about the rest of the Trump family.

When asked why an alien organism would hold such a vitriolic opposition to immigration, the being answered, “To be honest, I thought that was obvious. I’m surprised nobody figured that one out, you know? Connected the dots like they do with those huge opponents to same-sex marriage?”

Despite the illegal status as a candidate and potentially dozens of felonies, Harold is still polling above all other Republican candidate.

“I’m not throwing in the towel yet,” Harold declared. “If Ted Cruz can run for president, and Bush Jr. can become president—what’s stopping me?”

Post Author: tucollegian

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *