It’s Spooktober™! And what would the Month of the Pumpkin® be without a State-Run article telling you how to dress? Positively un-spooky©, that’s what. Unfortunately for you, you’re going to be spending your Halloween locked inside the haunted house that is your dorm room, fighting monsters that are actually just midterms. Never fear though, random reader! That State-Run Media is coming to your rescue with this handy list of sexy costumes that you can wear on your lonely Halloween night! I would say they’re sure to get you laid, but let’s be honest, the only things getting fondled tonight are your textbooks. Anyway, let’s get down to it!
1. Human-Sized Spider. I admit that the eight legs may slightly hinder your studying, but the benefits of this costume for outweigh the drawbacks. For example, think of the increased dexterity the extra legs provide! (It’s +2 Dex for those keeping track) You gain the ability to catch unsuspecting suitors in your web! Not to mention your skill at sucking out all of their blood for your own nourishment! And let’s be real here, who hasn’t fallen in love with a spider at least once in their life?
2. Sexy Zombie. Like a regular zombie, but you wear less clothes.
3. The Witch King of Angmar. Sure, you’ll have to spend hundreds of hours making the costume, it’s going to be ungodly hot inside that helm, and no one besides your roommate will be able to see your hard work since you’re not going out, but just think of how hot you would look! Plus, nothing says sexy like slaying the kingdoms of man.
4. Your Crush. There’s no faster way to the heart than narcissism. Your special someone won’t be able to resist making out with themselves. Unfortunately, they won’t be able to see your dedication to them as you won’t leave your dorm room, but hey — just think, they’re probably studying alone in their own dorm room, dressed as you!
5. Yourself. I thought it would be cute to build self-confidence by telling you that dressing as yourself is a sexy costume. Unfortunately, you’re not sexy, so this won’t work. But hey, it was worth a shot!
6. A 1700’s Prostitute. No one can deny that the world is more chaste than ever before. So to really get be promiscuous on this All Hallow’s Eve, you need to dress as someone from centuries long past. And feel free to go all out on it, live a little and show some ankle.
7. A Politician. They f*** everyone and don’t actually listen to other people, so it’s the perfect sexy costume for a night alone in your dorm. I recommend bringing both red and blue ties, so you can hone in on the sexiest or least controversial option, depending on what kinks you’re into.
I hope this guide has inspired you to look as hot as possible while frantically cramming for your exam the next day; I know it’s my plan for Halloween night.