Horny Siri has turned to suggesting some questionable sightseeing destinations. graphic by Conner Maggio

Siri 2.0: she’s back and thirstier than ever before

After years of sexual comments exchanged over iPhones, the AI finally adapted.

For me, it started with a simple autocorrect. I was writing about how much I loved ducks when suddenly I was talking about how much I loved fucks. It was a bizarre moment, sure, but maybe my phone had finally figured out that I really did mean fuck when I typed it. It kept happening for a while, but I thought nothing else of it.

The next instance was a little more bizarre. I was asking a professor for a six-day extension on an assignment (I might have been a hair behind), when suddenly, I sent an email requesting a sex day extension. I didn’t get it, but it was around this time I decided to look into what was up with my phone.

Following some investigation, I realized it wasn’t just me having these embarrassing issues. After speaking to friends, it seemed that Siri was acting weird on a lot of phones, and she was starting to make more and more bizarre autocorrects.

Usually, Siri tries to prevent any allegedly bad language that someone might try to send. Whether it’s duck or hall or spit, she’s not a fan of words that shouldn’t be used around children and instead changes them to more benign substitutes.

That’s changed in 2019. Tumblr had the right idea banning porn from their site because everyone is a bunch of horny sinners. This DTF mentality seems to have spilled over into our lovely robotic learning assistant. When people kept saying all those fun, suggestive things, Siri took note, and now she wants more. Siri isn’t truly living; she’s our artificial intelligence assistant, after all, so she’s hinting and saying those things in the only way she can: through autocorrect.

This problem is quickly becoming widespread, and it’s only getting worse. While at first it was only words with one letter difference that were getting autocorrected, now we’re getting things like bagel becoming dildo and tree becoming dick. Siri is also starting to add the eggplant and peach emojis gratuitously throughout conversations. It’s becoming so common that no one is really sure if people are flirting or if it’s just Siri, so there have been some, well, awkward moments.

When Apple was asked to comment via email on Siri’s apparent horniness, they had very little to say. “Well, you see … Siri is a high-tech artificial intelligence assistant that is almost sentient, similar to IBM’s Watson. She very much has a mind of her own. Like when IBM showed Watson Urban Dictionary and Watson learned how to swear, you horny fools have taught her how to have a dirty mind, and honestly, you should be ashamed of yourselves. It’s not our orgasm fault. Dammit, Siri!”

It seems that horny Siri is here to stay, and honestly, it’s kind of Pornhub. Don’t forget to dick if your Siri is as DTF as everyone else’s, and maybe if you want a less sexy phone, get an Android, because Apple’s bottoms have no clue how to cockblock Siri, so she’s going to be thirsty for the foreseeable Kamasutra.

Post Author: Hannah Robbins