Alabama sparks war with South Carolina. graphic by Emma Palmer

Sports predictions: The fall crystal ball

The Collegian sports writing staff gives their semi-serious predictions about what the sporting world has to offer in the next few months.

Browns go on 16-game winning streak, ask for soul back from the devil

This time last year, the Browns were the midst of a 19-game losing streak. Now if you are placing a bet on them, your odds would be +1400. That is the fourth highest in the entire NFL, tied with the L.A. Chargers. Tracking that rate of improvement, it looks like Cleveland will go undefeated the entire fall regular season. Of course, after trading their soul to the devil to be better at football, they will likely ask for it back (along will Lebron as a good luck charm) in time for the playoffs. It’s a little early for winter predictions, but I say they make it through the first round before fizzling out come playoffs.

Mariners win World Series, yes really
October is rushing towards us with alarming speed, and that means the MLB playoffs are almost here. Now I know the Mariners have a zero percent chance of even making the playoffs.

But hear me out: The Dodgers and the Yankees have been so dominant that absolutely no team has a chance of beating one of them to the World Series under normal conditions.

So what if the AL Wild Card (let’s say Tampa Bay for simplicity) decides to forfeit their seat to the Mariners since they won’t win the national title anyway, and would rather spend their time preparing for next year? Now that the Mariners are in the playoffs, not a single scouting team will have a strategy against them.

Every MLB time will be blindsided and have no game plan against the sudden play- off addition. They make it all the way to the World Series to face the Dodgers. After losing the first game, LA decides it fears humiliation too much to risk losing to the Mariners. They then forfeit the rest of the series to make Seattle the reigning champs.

Figure skaters transcend jumps altogether, start levitating

As the season begins, some of the biggest names will leak their new programs with unique elements.

Instead of the normal crazy jumps and amazing choreography, skaters go up for landings and … don’t come back down. Skating will take to the skies in ways not even coaches can anticipate, and it will completely upheave the rankings this season.

Clemson wins again, Alabama declares war

The top-ranked Tigers look primed to make another run at the College Football Playoffs and the Championship at the end of them. However, the title will have already spent a year away from Tuscaloosa and, like Persephone, it must return to Had- … er … um …I mean Nick Saban’s clutches every so often. If this doesn’t happen and Clemson ends up winning, then Alabama will likely launch another attack on South Carolina so that by definition Clemson won’t be able to hold the title of champions.

NFL implements the “take-backsies” rule

Following the Antonio Brown-to-the-Patriots debacle, the Pittsburgh Steelers’ front office has demanded the institution of a “take-backsie” clause in all trade agreements. This is due to the nature of the AB issue.

During the 2019 offseason, the New England Patriots offered Pittsburgh a first round pick for All-star receiver Antonio Brown; due to the fact that New England is an AFC conference rival, Pittsburgh refused, instead electing to send him to the Oakland Raiders for a pittance, a third and a fifth round pick. AB acted out in order to get released by the Raiders, only to sign with the Patriots only a few hours later.

The Take-Backsie rule states: “If at any point, a traded player is traded again to the Patriots, his original team can issue a ‘take-backsie’, and get their player back instead.” This rule will not be enforced retroactively, given Antonio Brown’s previous history with the Steelers.

Post Author: tucollegian