The State-Run has vowed to remain clear on who we are selling out to.
With the release of The State-Run Media’s new social media platform, The State-Run Social, we plan on being upfront and honest with our incredible violation of your privacy. We see that the problem with other social media is that they are inherently dishonest, and we wish to improve on social media by being better than anyone else.
We are definitely tracking everywhere you go to sell that info to mapquest. With the invention of literally every GPS ever, they have fallen behind in popularity. We try to help the little guy here at The State-Run Media. They will use this data to never leave your side and also log every interaction you have with anyone ever.
Then, of course, we log all of your favorite sandwiches and send that info to Subway. How else will they know when it is time to get rid of the Cold-Cut Combo? They’ve got to know when things become irrelevant in the sandwich game. Their competition is fierce, and they need this info to succeed — also, please forget the fact that they succeeded fine before this. They just need your information for proper customer care.
We also sell all your info to Russia so that they can make fake clone accounts of you and use them to post Pro-Russian propaganda, which is in your best interest, really. I mean, it is supporting an allied nation, and you do love America, don’t you?
Your grandma has also paid for your information — she just wants to keep up with how well you are doing. She also wants to see if you did not leave a message on her birthday on purpose, or if you just forgot again this year. Your grandma also wants to tell you that she does not approve of your current lifestyle and wants you to settle down with a nice girl from your hometown that you have spoken to twice.
We have to sell your info to the government, that’s a given. We aren’t allowed to know what they do with it, but they only requested to know what conspiracy theories you follow. All we know is that once a month we have to fax every single person’s information to the FBI, where it is presumably used to find your location and how much you are catching onto the government’s lies.
Finally, we sell all of your info to Facebook so that they can have their information verified twice so they really have an accurate description of you to sell to someone else. We only do that to make sure that we get a fat paycheck in the mail. It is not used for anything else — we guarantee it.