“Elections,” as Abraham Lincoln once said, “belong to the people.” In the modern political landscape, however, more emphasis seems to be placed on those who don’t vote. One such person, political science major Adam Goldman, failed to register in time to vote in Oklahoma’s primary election. However, he hasn’t let his ill fortune deter him from whining as much as possible about the system’s problems, both in person and on social media.
“How stupid can people be!?”, Goldman posts on his Facebook in conjunction with an article detailing the latest Donald Trump scandal. Of course, posting on his Facebook is about as much as he will be able to do until November, at the earliest.
As State-Run investigators discovered, the same is true when out with his friends. Though he has no direct access to influence the system, he is appalled by the idea of being a Democrat living in a “hopelessly Red state” like Oklahoma.
This led to what psychology major Karen Hoover called a “needlessly aggressive and awkward rant on party politics” in the middle of a local Whataburger. Though Goldman doesn’t seem to notice his own hypocrisy, his friends informed State-Run reporters that he is slowly driving them mad.
Advanced statistical analysis of Goldman’s Facebook page shows that he often loses as much as 14 percent of his friends during election years. His average number of retweets and Tinder matches don’t fare much better.
Goldman seems to know that this happens. In an interview with State-Run reporters he concluded that “not everybody can handle the truth,” looking incredibly smug. He almost seems proud to not be voting, calling himself a “grassroots fact-ivist,” telling reporters he is devoted to “bringing the truth to whoever I can, however I can.”
Hoover told reporters she is slowly trying to piece together the puzzle of Goldman’s mental health state as she goes through this semester in her abnormal psychology class. She currently hypothesizes that Goldman may have Dissociative Identity Disorder, though experts expect that diagnosis to change as the class covers personality disorders this Wednesday.