The cult of the chosen ID during a ritual sacrifice. graphic by Conner Maggio

Student ID anointed with Holy Number

A TU student has come out in protest of what she calls a “cruel joke” against her.

Freshman Renee Lorenz is demanding that TU issue her a new ID number, citing her current one as hindering her professional opportunities in a college setting.

“I got my ID number this summer, just like everyone else. I didn’t think much of it besides that it was pretty easy to memorize,” recalls Lorenz. “I was happy, until the first time I tried to use it.”

Lorenz recounts handing over her ID to pay for some breakfast at the C-store.

“The check-out dude took one look at the number and just burst out into giggles. And I’m just standing there, weirded out and anxious about holding up the line. So I asked him if there was a problem,” said Lorenz. “He stopped laughing just enough to wheeze out something like, ‘Hehehe … 420 … 69 … noice.’”

Witnesses of the event say that Lorenz went red before snatching back her ID and leaving without her items.

“Yes, my student ID number is 0420690.” Lorenz admitted, mortified.

Since the incident, Lorenz has avoided swiping her card at all costs, not wanting the news of her unfortunate number to spread. But now that she’s run out of cereal in her dorm, she has been forced to speak out.

“I contacted Parking and ID Services, asking if I could have my ID number changed, but no one would help me!”

Lorenz was allegedly told to appreciate what was given to her and deal with it.

Despite her attempts to keep it quiet, the news of her ID number spread quickly throughout campus. Several people have now approached Lorenz, offering to buy her out or trade IDs with her.

“I mean, it’s a good deal!” said Nigel Jacombe, a presidential scholar. “She gets all the food she could ever want, and I get to be a fucking legend.”

“My fraternity, Kappa Omicron Kappa, prophesized this moment centuries ago,” said Chad Andrews, chapter president. “And now that the holy ID is finally upon us, we must have it. Renee has no idea of the power she possesses.”

Even with the many offers, Lorenz has refused to sell.

“No, no! No one should have it!” Lorenz insisted, “It’s rude and offensive and I don’t want it being flashed around TU! If I have to bear it for the greater good of this place, then fine.”

Lorenz is now working to get out of her meal plan so she won’t have to pull out her ID as often. Her only worry now is that TU will saddle some freshman next year with 0694200.

“No one should have to suffer as I have.”

Post Author: Sara Serrano